Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

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drisko
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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by drisko » Sun Dec 17, 2017 4:46 am

Tony Schiavone wrote:
Sun Dec 17, 2017 2:29 am
Holy moley. Just skipping through two minutes of this movie dials the cringe to 11.

Serious question: if Brad can't write and direct, and all his actors are terrible, why doesn't he at least try to hire some attractive women? Instead of all these fat ugly broads, he could at least hire some hookers. You could argue it would make a much better trash movie than this community college film fail.
Because he'd have to pay them and all his friends do this for free

:---

All right, guess it's time for Drisko's summary. My wife's friends are over to bitch about their manager so I can use this as an excuse to say I'm working in case any of them come into the study. Let's do this.

4:00 - I skipped the trailer. Apparently this is set in the modern day but all the 70s shit stayed relevant. Okay. So the three leading ladies are at the park, hanging out and the little sister, played by Laura, is trying to teach them to dance so they can get men, even though Bianca's married and Sarah's been with Lewis for a year.

6:30 - Two years later, Laura's at the empty disco and runs into Brad, so they fuck while doing coke for about thirty seconds before he loses his hard on, so she walks out unsatisfied and disappointed. Real life probably wrote the plot.

8:00 - Credits now. Sarah gets top billing, Bianca second and Laura third. Also, she kept her maiden name.

9:00 - Lewis and Sarah are in the car together, arguing over how expensive the restaurant they just went to was. Not sure if they're in a taxi, pretty sure they're in the back seat but the lighting is on par with a Midnight Screening. Anyway, even though it's pitch black outside, Sarah decides it's still light out and Andrew, I presume their kid, is with his grandmother so they should go to a Disco. He blows her off because he's full so they go home. Pretty sure this was meant to be Dave but Lewis fits the asshole husband believably well. I can totally see this conversation happening with Lewis in real life.

10:30 - At Lewis and Sarah's place, she's pissed because they have a night off from the kid and he just wants to sit at home watching TV. He's pissed because she only ate a salad at the restaurant. Laura rings and says she's having a bad night and needs company. Fucking Brad will do that to you. All of a sudden, Sarah decides it's now late instead of early. Consistency. But Laura's coming down from her high and begs Sarah to come and bring Bianca with her. But will Bianca come after an unnamed incident? Yeah, probably.

13:00 - After nagging Lewis again, Sarah goes off alone to Bianca's. More sisterly guilt tripping, I was kind of phasing it out at this point. Bianca mentions the unnamed incident again and wants Laura to suffer, but then Sarah finds out Bianca never goes out because she's too busy eating two cakes together. More bitching about Lewis, then they get in the car to go out and bitch about Lewis some more for ordering a steak.

17:20 - We're finally at the fucking disco. Brad tries to make it look packed with a montage but it's so clearly empty. Bianca and Sarah do some shots and then some more shots, because Bianca can't be fucked looking for her sister. Why am I supposed to like this person?

19:15 - I think this is supposed to be a flashback of the sisters together again and they're dancing at Bianca's place. Just noticed a Christmas tree, so it must be. Back to the present, Bianca sees Laura dancing with Doge and Laura sees her so she comes over while Sarah does more shots. Turns out the whole panic phone call thing was a ruse to get the girls to come out. More mentioning the incident and Brad comes over to act like drunk pervy asshole. He actually stutters through a line at one point but used the take anyway, and then Bianca walks off.

Holy shit we are a quarter of the way through this thing and nothing has happened.

23:00 Sarah and Bianca sit down to talk about how they don't like Brad and think Lana's taste in men is shit, and Sarah decides to see for herself what Brad's like so she approaches them at the bar. Holy shit the lighting is terrible. It's so dark I can barely see them. After a minute and a half the scene cuts to outside, only light by street lights, and it looks way better than a controlled environment. Also, Brad's a drug dealer. Because of course he is.

25:45 - Lewis is at home, doing nothing. There's about twenty seconds of him sitting in a chair doing nothing until he gets up. Rivetting. Then it's back to the disco, with Sarah, Bianca, Laura and Brad sitting around awkwardly. Doge comes over and it turns out he's Laura's dance partner for the competition tonight and Sarah calls out the cliche, except I think it's supposed to be a 'look how self-aware I am' joke. Also, the prize is free alcohol. Bianca gets sick of this and walks off to go hang out with Doge, who admits that everyone there sucks at dancing but because they're so drunk during the contest it doesn't matter. and then more Lewis at home. He starts dancing awkwardly.

30:00 - Holy shit we're only half an hour in. Bianca and Doge are talking, Doge's got the puppy love for her, Bianca once again hints at the incident. No, they never call it that in the movie, I just need to call it something. Bianca leaves and Doge is so nervous about talking to her again he starts dancing. Laura teases Bianca about Doge, then mentions she and Sarah should enter the dance contest, before they realise they left Sarah alone with Doge and dash off to save her, but Sarah's just dancing with a dopey grin.

32:20 - Fard is in this, as the DJ. He notices Brad and abandons his booth, so Brad runs with Fard on the chase. Turns out Brad owes Fard some cash and for some reason thought it would be a good idea to come to his club without the cash. Fard points out Brad's a lazy fuck who nobody likes and demands his money before walking off, and then Lewis walks in. He stands around, and then Doge comes over to act weird. Lewis tells the story of how he and Sarah met, at a dive bar. He used to hit on every chick he saw, Sarah was the only one who said yes. And then Lewis leaves to talk to Sarah.

35:45 - Stock footage that looks way better than anything in this movie and then the Sex Cannon herself, Allison, is doing her make up in a dressing room, which the film helpfully tells us is upstairs. Dave and Brian are there watching her. The phone rings and it's Fard. We find out she and Fard are on their honeymoon and she's pissed they're at his work. They mention Brad's a problem and Allison decides they should kill him. Fard says to wait because Brad's due to pay tonight, but if he doesn't, Fard has another plan to get their money back. I'm assuming porn but we'll see where this goes.

36:40 - Lewis meets up with Sarah, tries to be funny, fails, and then Laura comes in to make him regret coming out. They all argue about being out vs staying in, then Sarah gets sick of this and drags Lewis to the bar. Bianca leaves, so Laura follows her and they argue. Laura mentions Doge, which is the perfect time to cut to Doge failing at hitting on some chick. The incident is brought up again and then dropped by Bianca leaving because her feelings aren't being respected and she gets more shots. Laura tries to talk it out but Bianca's more interested in cutting her out completely.

40:30 - We finally learn what the incident was: "Because you fucked my husband." And then Doge walks over to relieve the tension by hitting on Bianca, which she points out was the worst timing. Doge leaves so Laura and Bianca can do more soap opera shit. They explain away the age gap between Laura and the others by making her the baby who was always treated with kid gloves. And then Bianca reveals the reason she's a shut in is because she felt so betrayed by Laura fucking her husband that she cannot trust the rest of the world. Nope, not kidding.

---

Okay, I'm stopping here because I need a break and also someone knocked over the Christmas tree.

The music is pretty random, I don't recognise most of it, not really a disco guy, but I did notice Madonna in there, who is 80s. I think he just put in a bunch of songs he likes. Also, holy shit is this slow. Nothing is happening. It's halfway done and I feel like nothing had happened. Also, their alcohol tolerance must be pretty strong because they've had a lot to drink. Not sure how much time is supposed to have passed since they arrived but it looks like the story is being told in real time, or maybe Brad's just a shitty editor. Think I just answered my own question.

But I shall persevere, because I am obligated to finish this out of honour. Also, to avoid a bunch of thirty-year-old women getting drunk while bitching and moaning about how they're divorced or never got married while their only stable friend tries to keep them from throwing up on our carpet. At least with this I can hit the fucking pause button.

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drisko
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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by drisko » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:36 am

Okay, back to it. I'd say so far my main problem with this 'movie' is how much it drags while also being so thin.

---

42:15 - Another flashback and we meet Bianca's ex husband. It's Irving. The others are gone, leaving Laura alone, and he asks her to teach him to dance. Maybe it's because it's Irving but I'm expecting this to turn into a rape. Just the way they're acting, plus the fifteen or so year age gap. They talk about dancing versus roller skating and then some other stuff that seems like they're going to fuck, but then they don't.

44:30 - Back to the present, Bianca walks off again, as in the same clip that played before the flashback happens again, and then Brad comes over to talk Laura somewhere private. Turns out there's a big score going down in the office and it'll wipe Brad's debts. Not sure how he plans to convince Fard to talk money stolen off of him, but whatever. Laura tells him this is none of her business, but Brad tries to tell her that to Fard, they're basically married. Fard barges in and says that's not true, though now he thinks it's a good idea and they need to team up to get him his money. Movies are mentioned so I reckon I called my porno idea.

46:30 - At the bar, Sarah makes Lewis do a bunch of shots to make him more tolerable. Brad and Laura talk about doing 'those movies' so yeah, it's porn. Laura awkwardly shoves Brad for trying to get her to go along with it without getting paid and then walks out. Dave calls Fard and asks him to turn the music down because he hasn't slept in 36 hours and has no coke to keep him going, but you know, it's a disco so they need to keep the music going so people will dance and buy drinks.

48:50 - Lewis and Sarah talk about when they first met, she says she thought he was safe. He asks if she thought he had confidence and she says no, it was mostly pity and curiosity. And now they're stuck together because they have a kid. So they go slow dance to the Bee Gees. Laura watches and Brad comes over to try and get her to fuck him on camera, but she leaves and goes over to Bianca. You guys remember that preview scene Brad showed a week or so back? That happens.

53:15 - Lewis wants to leave because the sisters won't stop giving him shit, and Sarah claims that he only wants her to come with him because she could easily go home with another guy who would be better than Lewis. Lewis gets pissed and tells her to go for it, then goes to throw up. Sarah goes back to the disco, gets a drink, and Doge tries to hit on her. Wacky. She reminds him he wanted to fuck Bianca, so he dances off and then she approaches Brad with an offer. He says he'd take it and then walks off. Then Fard comes along so she hits on him but in the middle of the conversation he takes off because he needs to kill Brad.

57:00 - Fard calls Allison because Laura's not going to fuck on film, so she says she's going to kill Brad, while Dave and Brian load their revolvers. Guess Brad doesn't know the Colt is 100 years old. Fard wants to give Brad another chance but Allison points out he's a liability so no. Over to the sisters, Laura and Bianca apparently like each other again because Lewis is such an annoying prick and they're drunk. Brad comes over to try and get Laura to help him, but she tells him to fuck off. Fard says okay to killing Brad, but Allison wants to pin the debt on Laura so they can get their money back. And then Doge tries to hit on Bianca again, this time it works somehow.

59:45 - Dance contest time at the three quarter mark. Brad wants Laura to ditch it so she can be his good luck charm, but she just goes to dance with Doge. The framing sucks, half the time half their bodies are off screen when they're moving. It's nothing special, as Doge promised earlier there's no professional moves here. But in the middle of it all, Bianca starts to leave so Laura abandons Doge to go after her, which freaks him out.

1:02:30 - More soap opera drama. Laura wants to make amends, Bianca doesn't want to and then she just goes to find Sarah to convince her to go in the dance contest, which Sarah agrees to. The girls return to the dance floor to find Lewis doing... something. Drunk dancing I believe it's supposed to be. The camera keeps going in and out of focus. Eventually he's booed off and Sarah's excited about their chances because they're going to look way better after what Lewis did.

1:05:30 - Another HD stock of Chicago to transition to Brad and some guy I don't recognise going up a staircase, with revolvers. Think I've seen him before in something Brad's done, but not sure. Also, Laura decided to join them. After some banter, Laura is left at the bottom of the stairs while Brad and this guy go after the money. Cut to Bianca and Sarah dancing and then back to Brad, who is presenting Allison with $20k worth of coke. She's not impressed. Eventually Brad and other dude stand up and pull their guns, but give Brad and Dave plenty of time to draw their pieces. And then everyone starts smiling and laughing until we cut back to Laura hearing gun shots, which causes her to run off.

1:09:00 - Brad's been shot, other dude is fine and walks out with the money. Brad pinches the wound and stumbles out. Apparently the other three are dead. He walks out apparently a very clean, cauterised wound because his shirt is open and there's no blood on his torso or clothes, and he ends up walking onto a stage in a theatre. Also, this is still being intercut with Bianca and Sarah dancing.

1:10:50 - Laura comes into the disco and runs up to Bianca and Sarah, who stops dancing. Laura can't remember why she slept with Irving because they were so drunk and high at the time and she apologises right as Brad comes in, finally wounded, and starts heading for Fard, who comes out of cover from the DJ booth and pulls his own gun. They shoot each other and are instantly killed.

1:12:10 - It's maybe the next day or a flashback or something, Bianca is outside with a little girl who wants to dance. So they do, while Bianca explains, over a montage of the movie we just watched, they didn't speak for a while but because of the night they had together, now they're super close. And the lesson is they were able to bond over worse people making idiots out of themselves.

1:13:30 - Back to the night, the sisters are friends again. Lewis comes in, saying it's time to go home, and Sarah says she wants a divorce. He starts to say something but she shushes him and tells him to piss off, which he does after telling them off. Doge comes in, asks for Bianca's number, and she leaves with him but then comes back after Sarah and Laura have a moment. Bianca declares that watching two people die has made her want to leave the house more often. They hug and music plays as the camera pulls out on the sisters cuddling while the credits slowly play. And then dance montage as the credits continue with fake, made up titles Brad made up to make the credits longer.

THE END

---

Okay, thoughts and feelings. Let's see. First off, this looks old. I know it's supposed to be a throwback to 70s disco movies while also being Brad's return to making movies with his friends, but it looks much older than it should because it was shot in SD on a shitty camera. Hell, Lewis could have shot something better looking simply because he has a better quality camera. Speaking of which, the framing was shit, there were a lot of moments where the camera was going back and forth between two people, but Brad held too long on the person who just finished talking before whipping over to whoever just started, meaning there was usually a line said off screen.

The sound wasn't as bad as some of his older movies, and I'm pretty sure he did some ADR, but it doesn't make that much of a difference. The acting, well, what did you expect? It's about what I've come to expect from them. The writing was pretty weak, yeah being cheated on is bad but traumatising you so much you can barely leave the house for two years? Also, just from the way the movie was going, I kept expecting it to turn out Laura was date raped and just assumed she'd had too much to drink so that Bianca would realise she was wrong and forgive her.

What was funny was how much of the real life stuff crept in. Lewis is married to the first woman to give him the time of day and is a boring asshat who doesn't care to make her happy. Brad tries to turn a brief fling into something serious. Doge's this weird guy everyone feels uncomfortable around. And Allison is heavily regretting her choice of partners.

All in all, it's pretty clear Brad just wanted to shit something out since he hasn't made a movie on his own in nine years (I'm not counting Hooker, that was more of a mini-series, and Shitteo was never released). He was more concerned with having something made than making something good.

But at least I could cancel the bid before my card was charged. So yay me.

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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by Guest #2 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:59 am

I call this movie: Shitty, Unlikable People with Shitty lives Playing 70s music
I hated this movie all the sisters are fucken worthless espically the shut in, For Me this is hands down Brads worst movie

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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by Charlar » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:50 am

Worse or equal to Lewis movie?
-On the internet, everyone end up being Spoony or Tim Buckley
-All fanbases are shit
-Most people had, have and will have shit tastes

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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by VoiceOfReasonPast » Sun Dec 17, 2017 11:31 am

At the very least Lewis tried to make something "epic".
Autism attracts more autism. Sooner or later, an internet nobody will attract the exact kind of fans - and detractors - he deserves.
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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by drisko » Sun Dec 17, 2017 11:35 am

Charlar wrote:
Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:50 am
Worse or equal to Lewis movie?
I'm going to say worse because at least Lewis put money and some effort into his shitty movie.

Been mulling this over the past few hours and I think what bugs me about this most is that Brad charged for this. Putting his old shit on blip to make money? Okay, whatever, it's free to access. But this time he put it behind a pay wall with a defined price attached to it, so it becomes a product he is selling. But he didn't put any extra effort into it. He just threw together a bunch of shit and expected people to like it.

He didn't even have to spend much to make it better. It's shot in Chicago so he could have just asked Doge to borrow his camera in exchange for a cameo or something. Or ask Lewis to bring his camera, he probably would have done that for free. Hell, you could have shot this on a phone and made a better looking product. But he did it on some shitty SD camera and charged $20, when Jesus, Bro was shot with professional equipment and only cost me $5 to get that piece of shit.

You know what? I'm going to say it's worse than Jesus, Bro. It had a dumb asshole learns to be a better person lesson too but it actually showed that lesson being learned. We actually see Rick realise why he needed to change and do so. Here? Bianca hates Laura for fucking her husband and then at the last minute gets over it. There's a subplot about Brad being a drug dealer but that whole plot about him owing Fard and Allison money could have easily been cut without losing anything. One of them even points out at the end everything kind of just resolved itself without their involvement. And the dance competition was pointless. Sure, there were many pointless moments in Jesus Bro, but they were trying to parody religious movies, so at least it succeeded in its goal.

I ended up not even spending a cent on this piece of shit, but I still feel ripped off. I mean twenty fucking dollars? Brad, on the absolute off chance you are reading this, what the fuck made you think this was worth the price of a real movie?

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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by Kama » Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:53 pm

It seemed like he was trying to make it along the lines of Saturday Night Fever. I just saw his Last Jedi Midnight Screening and he was talking about how he wanted to get the movie out on the anniversary of that film. So how does it scale regards to that style of movie?

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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by Guest » Sun Dec 17, 2017 2:48 pm

I fell asleep when the dance contest began, and have no desire to finish. It was seriously, painfully boring with zero story. And Bianca's snaggletooth was distracting af.

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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by JL Unlimited » Sun Dec 17, 2017 3:06 pm

Is it me or is Sarah turning into Medusa Chanty Binx?
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Guest wrote:
Fri Mar 08, 2019 6:17 pm
You're a bunch of monkeys dancing for shekels. Dance and keep your pie holes shut, monkeys. Your dumbass opinions aren't wanted and aren't valid.

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Re: Brad Jones, The Cinema Snob

Post by mad bum » Sun Dec 17, 2017 3:09 pm

I'm avoiding this thread until I watch this, but do I need to download a backup if it gets taken down for mirrors?
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