DHI Book Club:"The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends" by Mike J

[pibbs]

The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends by Mike J(eavons)
Chapter 10: Under Pressure
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Simon gets woken for more late night secret butt secks in the woods. Simon protests but Kannon the creature is persistent, then gas-lights him.

‘Not tonight,’ said Simon.
‘But you’re a member now,’ said Kannon.
‘You can’t miss a meeting.’
‘Why?’
‘There are so many things to do! I think Hemlin has been practising a new trick with Thump!’

Kannon huffed and moved his whole body back into the room. ‘You ask too many questions. Maybe I was too hasty in my decision in inviting you into the Secret Circle. I thought you were going to be more like your sister.

So, Simon goes. That's the chapter.

Chapter 11: The Monster Inside You

More campfire games, and boring dialogue.

‘Football,’ said Ryan.
‘I was saying I wish Hemlin played for Liverpool!’
Zam nodded but Simon knew he didn’t have a clue who Liverpool were.
‘So you like football as well, Simon?’ Simon nodded.
‘Do you have a favourite team?’
Simon shook his head. ‘Not really. I like Manchester United, but don’t really support anyone like Ryan does.’
‘Does your dad like football?’ asked Zam.
Simon paused for a second. ‘Yeah, he loves it.’
‘Does he have a favourite team?’
‘Manchester United. That’s why I sort of like them.’
‘Has he ever been to see them play?’
‘When he was younger, I think.’
‘Why not now?’
Simon shrugged. ‘We live too far away. He lived closer to Manchester when he was my age.’

Magical imaginary friends, here to entertain you, and fulfill your heart's desires, folks!

‘Why did he move?’
‘He got a job here after he met my Mum.’
‘Where does he work?’
‘For a bank. Why?’
‘I’m just trying to get to know you better,’ said Zam.
‘It’s okay, Simon,’ said Ryan. ‘Zam always asks about our parents.’

Zam is a creepy fucker. Probably the lead kid buggerer.

Did you know Amie’s dad works in a bank as well?’
Ryan chuckled and Zam’s expression darkened.
‘What?’ he growled.
‘Amie’s my sister,’ said Simon.

Simon gets peeved with his sister's handler, Grork, because he lead her out there into the cold without a coat. His English temper flares out of control!

‘Can I have a word?’ Simon spluttered.

Spluttered? Someone has a thesaurus.

‘Umm, I just wondered why you didn’t let Amie take her coat.’

Grork nodded and he let his smile fade.
‘I can see that you care about your sister,’ he said. ‘And you’re new to the Circle, so I’ll let this pass. But don’t throw around accusations unless you’re certain about something. It can do far more harm than good. Handbag?’
Simon paused. 'What?”

What?

‘What did you say just now?’
‘Nothing. Excuse me; I need to finish my story.’ Grork returned to the tree stump beside Lindsay and Claire, the earth shuddering with each heavy step. The creature sat down and continued talking like nothing had happened.

Chapter 12: Shawshank Recondition

1/3rd done!

Simon gets very little sleep. At breakfast next morning, his parents are angry someone's tracked mud on the carpet.

Simon spun back to face his dad. ‘It wasn’t me.’
‘Who was it, then? Gremlins?’

He's late to class because his mum made him scrub her carpet.

What?

Simon's shoes are now caked with mud, though he never walked through mud.
Back in detention, they share stories of their abuse:

‘What did you do?’ said Simon.
Jonathon sighed. ‘What do you think?’
‘What time did you get home last night?’
Jonathon didn’t answer.
‘Hey?’
Jonathon raised his head. ‘Shush.’
‘No, come on, tell me. I got in at half past five.’
Jonathon dug his head back into his crossed arms.
‘Six,’ he mumbled.
‘You were late, what were you doing?’
Jonathon groaned.
‘Were you watching Hemlin?’
Jonathon’s head shot up. ‘Shh! Don’t say their names.’
‘Why?’
‘Because. It’s the rules.’

How many times are we going to have to repeat this scene?

Simon frowned. ‘Punished?’
‘If you break the rules, you’ll be punished. Or worse, they’ll kick you out of the Secret Circle.’
‘Punished how?’
‘I don’t know. There was this kid from a few villages over from Hedgely. His name was Luke. He told his brother about it, I think…’
‘And?’
‘He didn’t come back. He was sent to live with his uncle.’
‘Why?’
‘Something happened, but I don’t know what. Must have been serious if his parents sent him away.’

Snitches get stitches.

END OF CHAPTERS

[pibbs]

The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends by Mike J(eavons)
Chapter 13: Don't Cry Over Spilled Wine
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Uh.. basically family shit. They go out to eat. Mum bitches about work, and Simon gets grounded from FIFA for a week. Oh, and no pudding. Someone confirm that pudding in England isn't just pudding, but dessert in general?

Simon had given up on his sleepwalking story and had decided the easiest thing to do was take the punishment. He didn’t want to be sent to the funny farm for trying to convince them that he thought his imaginary friend did it.

Apparently, the gremlins are pestering the parents at work by hiding or stealing files, and shit. Something starts kicking Simon under the table. One time is so rough, it makes his knee bump the table hard enough to spill dad's wine all over his pasta. Simon gets more grounded.

That night, no one comes for him, but sis is gone. Simon puts on his trainers and marches off to the woods.

Chapter 14: More Woods

Simon can't find them. His mum catches him out in the woods.

That's it.

Chapter 15: Rinse and Repeat

Mum is mad! He protests that he was trying to find his sister.

‘She’d been to the toilet!’ she growled.

Calm down, lady. Shit. He's marched to his room.

Somewhere in the darkness the house groaned. ‘Kannon?’ he said. There was no reply.

At breakfast his parents are reading a letter from school. He'd been sleeping in class. Parents angered and concerned. His dad gets medieval on him. Medieval England 21st century that is.

‘And when I get back I want to hear from your mother that everything is back to normal. I want to know that you’ve stayed in your room all night, you’ve been awake through school, and everything else is back to being how it was.

Right-o! Chin up, and all that, chap!

Simon manages to stay awake in class, and at recess, or whatever the fuck they call it over there, Simon confronts the other Secret Circlers. But they are afraid to say anything.

Come on, nobody’s listening.’
‘You don’t know that.’
‘I do,’ said Simon. He outstretched his hands and spun on the spot. ‘See, nobody here.’ He moved away from Jonathon and Jake and kept spinning, stretching his arms out further. ‘Look, see!’
Simon nudged into something and his arms instantly shot down to his sides. He turned to apologise to whoever he’d knocked into, but he was nowhere near anybody else in the playground.

They suggest that Simon may just forget about coming to the circle anymore. They were all disappointed that there had been no circle that night.

I”M SO BORED! I should have reviewed the vampire chick's books. I bet they have sex in it at least. And NO, I'm not reviewing Linkara's masturbatorial aid. You do it.


Chapter 16: The Great British Escape

The Secret Circlers avoid Simon at skool.

Back home, in bed, he hears whispers from his sister's room. She won't respond to him. He goes back to sleep, but is awakened by laughter outside.

He sees Amie and Grork walking away into the woods. It takes two pages for Simon to decide what to do. This was almost Cora-level inner monologue shit.

Question:

The way the old-fashioned thatched roof arched down either side and beneath the window meant Simon could easily shimmy down. He clung tightly to the rough straw, which crunched under his weight

Do you limey fuckers still live in thatched roofed homes? The fuck?


Chapter 17: You Cheating Bastard!

Back into the woods. AGAIN. Did he write this thing with a template? Fuck! This is getting old.

He gets to the fire circle and discovers that Kannon is cheating on him with – ABDUL!
I told you to keep an eye on that fucker. Abdul then yells ALOHA SNACKBAR and detonates a suicide bomb, taking out the other children and the creatures.

The End.

Just kidding, Simon has a hissy fit.

‘What about Abdul?’ said Simon.
‘Are you his imaginary friend now?’
‘No,’ said Kannon. ‘He has his own.’
‘Who?’
Kannon smiled. ‘Still full of questions, I see. You would make an excellent defective.’
Simon paused. ‘Defective?’
‘Detective,’ said Ralcar. ‘You would make an excellent detective.’

They give him a bullshit excuse why he wasn't brought to the circle. They thought he had been grounded and didn't want him to get into trouble.

Then this:

‘Hello, Simon.’ Zam sat on the stump beside Abdul and smiled. He had a large slash down one side of his face which Simon hadn’t noticed before. It was bright red and didn’t look very old. Dried blood seemed to have stained his thin fingers.
‘Hi,’ said Simon. ‘What happened to your face?’
‘Oh, nothing,’ said Zam. ‘Just an accident. So, you’re Abdul? My name is Zam. Pleased to meet you.’

I'm betting Zam speaks in a smooth faggoty voice.

Abdul's father is a butcher. Bullshit. Muslims ain't touching no pig. And a butcher in a small village ain't lasting long without pork. Fuck you, Mike J. You don't get virtue points. Should have had queers and trannys instead.

Oh, Zam quizzes Abdul about his daddy, while Hemlin levitates for the children's amusement.

This shit is weird, yet still boring.

Hemlin stood still for a moment, a look of absolute joy on his face. He raised his arms above his head, which reached almost as high as the tree branches above, and he laughed.
‘Go!’ he yelled and he began to float above the ground.
There were gasps among the onlookers. Some took steps back and held their hands over their open mouths while others laughed and looked on in complete shock. Hemlin continued to rise into the air, his body completely straight, until his hands disappeared into the branches above. He then spun towards the ground until his whole body was straight, and guffawed at the puzzled looks from those who were close.
Hemlin then flew in a circle around the bonfire. There were whoops and cheers from the crowd as he swooped to the ground before rising back up again. He twisted and turned and even did a loop as he whisked around the clearing like a superhero.
‘What’s he doing?’ muttered Abdul.
Zam laughed. ‘Well, it looks as though our friend Hemlin has learnt to fly.’

Ok, I'm not sure what's happening with this next one, so read it for yourself.

Something then caught his eye which drew his attention away from the flying creature. While Hemlin circled the campfire (now flapping his arms like a bird), Simon noticed small poofs of dirt rise up from the ground directly below where he flew. While all eyes were on Hemlin, Simon ran his hand down the tree stump and fumbled around on the ground. He felt for a twig and, grabbing it between two fingers, brought it slowly up to his lap.
Hemlin flew past again and the little dirt clouds burst up. As he passed, Simon threw the twig into the path of the flying creature. Hemlin soared around Secret Circle once more against the sound of children and imaginary friends laughing and whooping in delight. The creature flew back in front of Simon and directly over the twig he had thrown.
Simon had been the only one to notice it snap.

Obviously, it's faking flying, but is something else holding it up, or is it half invisible?

Chapter 18: More of the Same

Rinse and repeat. Bed. Up. Tired. School. Sleepy. Home. Bed. Kannon.
But no circle tonight. Thunderstorm.

Kannon grills him on what they daddys do.

I hear your dad has gone away on business again.’
Simon nodded.
‘Where’s he gone?’
‘London.’
‘I see. He works for a bank, doesn’t he?’
‘Yeah.’
‘What does he do there?’
Simon shrugged.
‘He looks after people’s accounts.’
‘What people?’
‘Rich people, I think.’
‘I see. What is in their accounts?’
‘Money.’
‘Ah, all right, then. When is your dad back?’
‘I don’t know. Why?’
‘No reason. So I heard Abdul’s dad is a butler.’
Simon chuckled. ‘A butcher.’
‘I see. And they chop up meat to sell to people?’
‘Yeah.’ ‘So he is a well-built man?’

Fag.

I have to give Mike some credit here. I have no idea what these creatures are up to. It's a little intriguing.

END OF CHAPTER 18

WE ARE HALFWAY DONE!!!

[pibbs]

The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends by Mike J(eavons)
Chapter 19: And Even More of the Same
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

Simon and the Circlers are all refreshed and awake in school.
Abdul didn't show up for school. Maybe his camel ran off.
Something throws a pencil at some under age bitch in class.
She blames Simon and Jonathon.

‘Mr Turner, Mr Andrews,’ growled Mrs Ramsworth as she edged menacingly toward the back table. ‘Is this true?’

What's with the growling women in this book?

Then a very British exchange.

Jonathon shrugged. ‘Maybe you fancy her or something.’
‘Don’t be daft!’

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear Mike was spoofing his own people. Bitch gets her pony tail pulled. Detention!

SO, I took a look at Elisa's book summary – “The Company of Death (The immortal Journey Book 1) after 99% of humans are killed in a zombie apocalypse, the vampires come out to rule. Emily Campbell now tries to free the human farm animals from the vamps. Soemthing goes wrong and Emily is becoming an undead and tries to an hero, but Death won't take her. He's lost his powers and now Emily must team up with Death. THAT sounds like a much more interesting read than this shit.

Kannon pops up in detention and admits to pulling the girl's hair.

‘Listen, I need to let you know something. There’s going to be a very special meeting of the Secret Circle tonight, so you boys need to make sure you’re in your rooms for eleven o’clock, okay? It’s going to be an early one tonight.’

The human sacrifices are to begin! Nah, I have no idea.

Chapter 20: Somewhere New

Simon lies in bed waiting for the creature to fetch him.
The creature fetches him.
But what's this? They don't go to the woods! They go to the village hall. A new setting?
They meet up with all the other children and their creepy little friends.

That's it for this chapter.

Chapter 21: No more chapter titles. Every chapter is the same

NOW they're back in the woods. The village hall was just where they joined up. What was the point of that?
At the fire circle, Abdul is noticeably missing.

‘Thank you for coming,’ announced Kannon. ‘Tonight is a night where we must reveal something very important to you.’

Bend over children.

‘Tonight will be the last meeting of the Secret Circle, as it currently stands,’ he continued. ‘We can’t tell you why just yet, but I can assure you it is very exciting indeed. Things will change, but it will most certainly be for the better.’

This “building anticipation by being vague” is such an amateurish way of writing. The very few things going for this book and he has to milk it for every ounce.

Nobody was quite sure what to make of what they had just been told. It seemed a strange thing to announce to everyone without even giving them any proper details.

Oh fuck you , Mike. Lindsay did this shit too. Acknowledging she knows, you know it's a cliché trope, but we're doing it anyway horseshit.

‘You’re our imaginary friends,’ she said. ‘So, don’t we get to say what happens? If you come from our imaginations, why can’t we just imagine that you stay here in the Secret Circle?’

Good point.

The answer? Because, that's why.
Back in bed.
END OF CHAPTER


Chapter 22

Simon wakes up with only 20 till school start. Where's mum?
No mum.
No phone.
The entire village was quiet.

there were no other signs of life except for Jonathon, who stood in his dressing gown holding a banana.

His granny is also gone.

‘Jonathon, what’s the banana for?’ ‘Breakfast. My grandma usually peels it for me. That’s why I came out looking for her.’

This mother fucker is 12.

All the parents are gone. All the phones are gone. I don't know what year this is supposed to be, but they all have land lines.
Ryan's sister's mobile phone is also gone.
They go to Will's next.

END OF CHAPTER


Chapter 23

Jonathon still held on to his banana.

Will comes running to them.

‘Run!’
Jonathon’s smile dropped and he looked at Simon.
Will suddenly flipped to the side and somersaulted into the air, his arms and legs flailing uncontrollably. He managed to scream before hitting the ground hard on his front.

Jonathon rushes to Will's side but gets knocked around.

Will was pointing behind Simon, and he turned again to see the grinning face of Kannon looking back at him.
‘Hello, Simon,’ said the creature.
‘What are you doing?’ said Simon.
‘Just having a little fun,’ said Kannon. ‘Something you seem to struggle with, yourself.’
‘This is fun?’
‘Very,’ said Grork, who had appeared from behind. He had a small smile spread across his fat lips. ‘Think of it as the kind of fun a kid who burns ants using a magnifying glass would have.’
‘Satisfying,’ added Kannon.
‘But it’s not fun for us,’ said Simon.
‘That doesn’t matter anymore.’ Thump had appeared on the other side

‘Everything set for what?’
‘Our takeover.’
Jonathon groaned. ‘Simon, what’s he talking about?’
‘Shut up, fatty,’ said Kannon.
‘Let someone with a little sense do the talking.’
‘Don’t talk to him like that,’ said Simon. He could feel his heart drumming, and the adrenalin was making him say things he probably should have kept to himself. ‘You’re feisty,’ said Kannon. ‘I like that. It’s a good quality to have. I’m going to be very disappointed when we kill you.’

Well that escalated quickly.

Simon's dad shows up, and the creatures snag him and leviate him somewhere off the player's map.

Ok so that''s the crux of it. All that's left is the third act and victory. I'm just going to read it, sum it up, and be done with this boring book.

[pibbs]

The Secret Circle of Imaginary Friends by Mike J(eavons)
The Rest of this Boring Assed Book
DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs
protected by Fair Use, bitch

So the kids arm themselves “Shaun of the Dead” style – cricket bats, axes, shovels ETC. Though one kid has a pellet gun. Those are allowed in the UK? Another kid has DYNAMITE?! From when grandma blew up a tree stump. No way do I believe those are allowed.

Should have set this in the American South. Every fucking kid would have an AR-15 strapped to his back and Glocks and Colts for close encounters.

One of the critters lights their dynamite. They scramble, but it only blows up like a big firecracker. Zam had been stunned by the small explosion and the kids tie him up. A big secret is revealed, the critters can go invisible. Well, duh. Remember, Hemlin fake flying? Grork was carrying him while invisible. Mystery solved.

Ok, I had guessed right on one of my theories. These things came from another world through a gateway. And apparently, their world is filled with big viscous creatures and they are the bottom of the food chain, so they got the hell out of Dodge. Now they own the village. Mike throws in the obligatory gotta get rid of adults because they hurt one another and war and shit.

They arm up with paint-filled water guns. Those aren't banned either? They find Grork who starts to whoop ass untilo he's shot with a pellet gun. Blood squirts from its arm, and Mike has never seen a pellet gun, much less shot one apparently. They don't do that Mike.

Grork throws a car. Grork gets shot in the neck, blood gushes, and he dies. But not really. He gets up to help Thump attack the kids who are now in a car.
The kids head for another village as Grork, having recovered from his massive pellet gun wounds, throws cars at them.

They run over Grork. He dead. Again.
Abdul shows up. Awesome, they need an explosives expert.
The gateway is a hole in an oak.
That's where their parents have been taken.
They go in.
Their world is like, as mike describes it, “a hot day on a foreign beach.” But there's grass, and no beach. Whatever, retard.

‘It doesn’t look much different from home,’ said Rachel.
‘I don’t remember many cliff faces in Hedgely,’ said Abdul.
‘I don’t mean literally,’ said Rachel. ‘But the grass, the trees, the sky, the sun. You’d think we were still in England.’

Mike's limited imagination. It's like England, but kinda hot with cliffs.

Ryan fired a shot, and the snap of the bullet echoed across the cliff’s craggy surface.

That is not a pellet gun you're describing, fool.
A scaly gorilla thing with a croc head and the size of an elephant appears. They run. It chases. Ryan shoots it with the pellet gun. Blood gushes. Pellet guns don't... fuck it. So Ryan downs the elephant-sized gorilla croc with a pellet gun and it tumbles off the cliff.
It happens to land next to a cave where the humans are being kept. How convenient.
They enter.
Jonathon keeps watch outside.
They find er'body.
They confront Kannon with dynamite.
Jonathon kicks the dead gorilla thing. Something stirs in its innards.
Simon and Kannon exchange monologues.
The gorilla thing wakens and runs into the cave. Er'body scatters.
The kids free the adults.
Gorilla fucks them critters up.
Hemlin goes after Jonathon. Jonathon throws the banana at him and it smooshes into his chest.
Gorilla.
Banana.
Get the idea? Mike actually believes that cartoons are based on real life. It goes bananas for the banana and kills Hemlin. Er'body runs the fuck out of the cave.
They race for the gateway with critters chasing.
Another croc-gorilla appears. It tears into the critters. Then charges the humans.
Dynamite. Boom.
Back home.
A few bloodied critters fall through the gateway. They use the last of the dynamite to blow the tree to hell.
There's a village meeting.
They vote to keep it secret.
One crittter is loose, but no one sees it again.

THE END

[pibbs]

Reviewing this was a mistake. Bad is one thing, but boring is the worst.

BTW he actually wrote a sequel to this pile of shit. I'm not reading that.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I guess I've read worse Goosebumps episodes. A bit rushed, though.

Brick by Brick book club.

This. Also, Angel Armor book club. At some point, someone on here has gotta slog through cock slut's terrible books.

I might just take that bullet for my dear nakama. At the very least, it should give me ideas for my own self-insert power fantasies.

(I can't promise to be as regular an updater as pibbs the book-reading machine, though.)

[Complicity]

Reviewing this was a mistake. Bad is one thing, but boring is the worst.

BTW he actually wrote a sequel to this pile of shit. I'm not reading that.

Granted that i haven't read all the posts, but there seems to be at least the attempt to write a story, while pieces of shit like Lindsay Ellis and Cockslut just masturbated to their own disgusting self inserts.
Unless one of the kids or the imaginary friends is supposed to be him.

[Newhalf]

That was it eh? Seems like he ran out of ideas near the end if he ever had any. So one of the extra dimensional immigrants got away to set up that awesome sequel, I see!
Somehow that doesn't seem very interesting..

Might also take a stab at Mr Linkoo's book if I can find where it's circulated.
Not only am I already heavily damaged but also an avid author of deranged erotica myself. I'm ready for (almost) anything.

[Kugelfisch]

I guess I was half right with my guess of malicious kobolds.
The premise is alright. Could've worked better as a short story. Very inoffensive and for sure better than the other IN books so far.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Could've worked as part of a horror anthology collection for kiddies, with a greater focus on suspense. Maybe these oddly detailed questions regarding their parents could've resulted in said parents having ever more frequent and severe "accidents".

Might also take a stab at Mr Linkoo's book if I can find where it's circulated.

>not already having a proud pdf collection of the entire saga

Oh, how I pitty you

Not only am I already heavily damaged but also an avid author of deranged erotica myself. I'm ready for (almost) anything.

How about a collab?