"Class of 86" - Brad Jones' Masturbatorial Book Debut

[Dehbashi]

If there is cloning, there is going to be one clone to bring superior to the original. But I doubt there is going to be any. I still think it's going to Psycho Lexi vs Fletcher with her winning justifying her ass being a total cunt with the way he has acted here. That's the twist from Slaughter High and other slasher movies.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

The clones of Fletcher will fuse to create a super clone, to be blown up along with the school at the end. Think of the ending of The Thing.

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 15: Blood Rage
Or How Brad Brings Everything to a Screeching Halt
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

Back in 1984... I think he did that on purpose.

October 1984. In a small rural church, parishioners sat listening to their preacher, Reverend Estus Pirkle...

Estus Pirkle. I can't decide if that's amusing or just stupid.

Uh.. a younger, much more conservatively dressed Rod listens with his then girlfriend.

Pause. I've always given Brad credit for staying mostly politically neutral, although, he's a cuck just like the rest of them, so I'm really hoping he's not going the usual route of bashing Christians/conservatives. Though I just remembered he did Jesus, Bro with fucking Nash, Aight, Brad, what do you have planned?

The reverend is giving a hell sermon when...

The crowd was nodding and buying into his every word, including Judy, another young person in attendance. “No! I just had a vision. Flesh burning. Fires raging. Communism, people marching in the streets and killing women and children!”

But the reverend isn't surprised and calls her forward.

”I repent anything you tell me. I am filled with both regret and fine, fine heroin within me.”

After church people mull outside the church and Rod and his girlfriend are inspired by what they witnessed. The cringe continues.

I had my doubts about 'Just Say No.' But now that I've seen it put to use, I know that it is possible if God wills it,” said Jennifer.

Ever notice when edgelords write fiction about religious people the dialog is like something an alien would write if they've only heard about humans and already hated them?

Jennifer doesn't understand why Rod plays violent football. Rod responds... (I'm so bored)

God gave me strength, you know? I need to put these arms to good use. Even Christ himself used the power of the gladiators to overthrow King Herod's sinful government.

Uh, no he didn't. No Christian would believe that, not even the cults. See what I mean? Like an alien writing.

He continues..

It all dates back to Moses who freed his people by throwing Pharoah off a pyramid.”

Jennifer is impressed by his knowledge of scripture. Uhhhhhhggghh! No I get it, he's mocking Rod mostly, but still NO Christian would say these things! Not even a stupid one.

Brad then describes their football season. It's a winning season, but the team thinks Rod is a bit of a goody two shoes. After a win the team tries to get him to go party with them, but Rod reminds them he's the best quarterback ever because he says no to drugs.

They question how he can be one of them then. The coach calls him into his office to try to convince him to party with the team. Rod isn't into all that “partying and fornicating” and believes it will hurt their season.

Where exactly is Brad going with this? Future Rod doesn't become some drug-addled maniac villain. He just becomes sort of a dick. Why are we wasting an entire fucking chapter with this origin story of an origin that doesn't matter!!???

The coach tells young Rod about his days of football, drinking and banging cheerleaders and how it helped them win the state championship.

Earn the respect of your team. If they're having premarital sex on a school night, you supply the condoms and keep three for yourself. If they're chugging beer, you chug six... blah, blah, blah....

This is just so bizarre. The coach seems to make some sense to Rod. Later that night with Jennifer, she believes the coach is just tempting him. “That's what Satan does.”

Rod brings up Samson and palace concubines, and how it helped him clear his head. I swear Brad if you are setting up a date rape scene or something...

But Jennifer has had enough and tells him “Your understanding of the Bible is stupid...” Amen, sister. “...and I've waited so long to tell you that, but you're always so sincere.”

Rod shouted after her. “Well, here's something else I'm sincere about! I'm going to the practice today party, and when we win homecoming, I would love it if you were by my side. You to the left, Jesus to my right, and I will be holding a trophy filled with Christ's blood!”

I can't take much more of this. This is Lindsey levels of bad writing. Remember when her character got fired for leaving work after a meteorite knocked all the windows out of the building and her Mom almost got fired for getting her the job? This isn't how reality works! Not even in “humorous scifi.” If people act like weird aliens, the reader can't get into it. I could write pages about absurdist comedy, and how even that is still grounded. The Three Stooges were stupid, and bizarre but they were still acted like human beings with dialog that people would actually say! Fuck!

Rod shows up with condoms and beer. He meets his future girlfriend, Tonya. She gets him drunk. It's implied they fuck. Not sure why Brad didn't write another page of them doing it? Probably because he was too high.

Present day.
Rod is sleeping at the fun times shelter. Next to him were the biker chicks, totally naked under their blankets.
Sally, one of the biker chicks, gets up quietly and dresses. She follows a guard into the bathroom and with knife at his throat demands radiation suits.

Radiation suits? We're 88% done with this story NOW you're worried about radiation? The guard tells her the suits won't last an hour in the acid rain. I don't know what's worse, Brad's grasp of religion or science. No, it's writing fiction.

The guard let's Rod take some grenades and rocket launcher too, before Sally knocks the guard out with one punch.

Biker chicks and Rod get the suits and their weapons, and head out on their motorcycles to find the Scoobys for revenge. But where are they? Not the mall because a much more interesting story is going on there with scavengers and cannibals inside a walled city. The high school it must be. I mean it is a small town, right? Those are the only possibilities apparently.

End of chapter. Thank you, Jesus.

[Dehbashi]

You are complaining about how he writes religion. I am complaining about the coach. No coach is going to go say their star QB is a problem because he doesn't bang chicks and is a party animal. I don't care that he is a former player. That is going to cause problems in the locker room since it will pressure players to conform to one specific way.

This is one bad chapter and is just filler.

[Complicity]

“And your name is?” Diana cut him off. “Might as well cut right to it.”
“Vic.”
“How very greaser,” she joked, not expecting that to be his name.
“What were you expecting?” he laughed.
“I don’t know. Chuck, Chaz, Charles, Bruce, Bryce, Brace.”

Are these supposed to be jokes?

Maybe that's how Brad and Laura met irl:

"What's your name?"
"Brad."
"Oh, i was expecting Coke, Cuck, Baldy, Beta, Bitch, Midget, AIDS...."

Reverend Estus Pirkle...

Played by Rob Walker.

Communism, people marching in the streets and killing women and children!”

Still making fun of conservatives after Obammy's election, Brad?
You all are still in therapy over the rise of the God Emperor.

Uhhhhhhggghh!

Brad Jones, while writing about sex, and Rod Vs Kurt.

Rod shows up with condoms and beer. He meets his future girlfriend, Tonya. She gets him drunk. It's implied they fuck. Not sure why Brad didn't write another page of them doing it? Probably because

He needs some recovery time before round 2.

You are complaining about how he writes religion. I am complaining about the coach. No coach is going to go say their star QB is a problem because he doesn't bang chicks and is a party animal. I don't care that he is a former player.

There are coaches who forbids their players from having sex during specific periods of time, for the sake of performance.
And no coach would encourage them to become alcoholics and junkies.
Man, INs don't know jack shit about anything.

If Nerd doesn't come back, there's no point to keep reading.
The other characters are insufferable.

[Dehbashi]

The only reason I didn't bring that up is that technically the coach was saying it was okay after a game. But yeah no coach would encourage this shit.

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
Chapter 16: Slaughter High Oh, fuck you, Brad!
Or No, Seriously, Fuck You, Brad!
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs

Back in 1984 at the football party. OH FUCK ME!

I forgot to mention Kurt was at this party selling weed, so I guess we're going to get his non-origin story now. Remember, they all should be about 15-16 now. Kurt walks in on a jock attempting to date-rape Lilith.

Sigh. I predicted it.

Kurt pulls him off of her, and knocks him out with one punch. A lot of those going around.

”Are you ok?” he asked her.
“Wow,” she said, instantly impressed with Kurt's heroism. “Well, you don't have to get off of me.” She was still tipsy enough to flirt a little.

I'm seriously thinking of stopping now. This book was fun, now it's just trash. These last two chapters, dude. I'm going for lunch. I'll decide when I get back.

Back. I'll finish it. You knew I would.

Lilith puts a pause on the post near-date-rape hornyness because a bunch of nerds were tricked into coming to the party and now they must pay the price. Fletcher is there. I don't even feel like doing the nickname thing for him anymore.,

The jocks and cheerleaders spritz them with beer and pour candy on their heads.

”These assholes can't even do bullying right; they're just making them look more delicious,” said Kurt.

Some jocks, (jocks, that's the only word Brad uses to describe them) come charging up the stairs making Lilith nervous so she pulls Kurt into the shower in the bathroom. She's frightened that they'll be mad Kurt knocked out their tight end. Tight end – I bet that's the only position Brad's knows. But never fear, they won't hurt their weed man. The only weed at school. Playfully, Lilith turns on the shower.

They leave but someone slashed Kurt's tires. “Hey! I'm not a nerd,” Kurt exclaimed. No problem, Lilith knows a guy with a van.

This did calm Kurt down because as he was looking into Lilith's eyes, he started feeling that love at first sight feeling.

What a fucking awkward sentence. “...feeling that love at first sight feeling.”
Present day. You know there's only two more chapters after this. What the fuck are we doing Brad?

Back in the halls of the school. Diana and Vic are dead and Kurt finally finds what he was looking for, his box of weed in his locker. Why would he leave it there when he graduated? Why look for it now when there's murder afoot? Because Brad is dumb.

There's 5 joints and Kurt lights one. They consider saying some words for their dead friends but they can't think of anything to say. He notices a “large vertical mirror” at the end of hall.

Kurt and Lilith admire themselves for a minute, then Lilith demands a hit on the joint. Suddenly...

A figure dressed like Fletcher walked out and stood in the middle of the hall, looking directly at Lilith and Kurt...
“How?” she asked, pointing to the figure. “Fletcher?”

Kurt points his shotgun, and asks friend or foe essentially. Eventually the figure moves a little closer and takes off his mask revealing the scarred face of Fletcher. How? Wha? Duh? Goes Lilith and Kurt.

Just then another Fletcher crashes through the mirror. Yup, clones. Fletcher 1 watches Fletcher 2 flail about on Kurt's back. Lilith aims her M16, but Fletcher 1 swiftly moves in and snatches it from her, and knocks her out with the butt of the gun. Fletch 2 drags Kurt to the gym. Fletch 2 is unnaturally strong and beats Kurt.

He drags Kurt past chairs to a stage with a banner reading, “Welcome Home Class of 86!” He drags Kurt through the back door, punches him to daze him then tosses his ass into the acid rainstorm.

Don't worry, it's just a prank, Kurt,” Fletcher laughed. “Now we're even.”

Soon Kurt's clothes and flesh start to melt off until he was just bones, because, you know, those are immune to acid.

...those bones rested in the puddles of what had been the softer parts of Kurt...

Meanwhile, Fletchers 3 and 4 join Fletch 1, who offers Lilith back her gun. She wastes no time mowing them down.

Meanwhile, Lexi and Bryce don't hear shit as they are fucking in the car in the auto shop.

Back to Lilith. She notices 3 more Fletches standing there watching her.

“I just needed fifty-two curies of radiation,” said the Fletcher in the middle.
“I guess we should have gotten an A on that paper after all, huh?” Lilith smiled.

Middle Fletch says no, they used the term nock. What's a nock? The correct term is curie. Fuck's sakes.
Lilith takes aim but the Fletches have AK-47s. Lilith takes off. Fletches pop out of various places as Lilith shoots them down. She hides in a locker in another hallway.

She calms down and is content to wait there until the acid rains stop. She is then pierced through the throat by a javelin through the locker door.

End of chapter.

[pibbs]

Two chapters to fucking go.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

This is basically a slasher short, padded to hell and back with useless shit.

Rod shouted after her. “Well, here's something else I'm sincere about! I'm going to the practice today party, and when we win homecoming, I would love it if you were by my side. You to the left, Jesus to my right, and I will be holding a trophy filled with Christ's blood!”

Brad: "Now how do I bring across that this guy is Christian? Oh, I know! Mention Jeebus at the slightest provocation! That's how they always talk, right?!"

[pibbs]

Class of '86 by Based Brad Jones
PENULTIMATE CHAPTER!!!!
Chapter 17:Just Before Dawn
Or IT'S ALMOST OVER!
A DHI Book Club Discussion by pibbs


NO FLASHBACK! Thank heavens for small miracles!

Rod and his Biker Chicks make it to the school. They spot the van. Good, their suits are almost melted.

Bryce and Lexi wake up naked in each others arms in the back of the car. “light classical music” plays on the radio. After some stupid banter they dress to go find their friends. They make it to the hallways and hear the front doors open and the Biker Rods enter.

A Fletcher watches on the cameras. Among Us, anyone? Sorry, cams, full body protective suits, hallways, just reminded me of that game. Fletch plays a song on the PA system - “Don't Dream It's Over” by Crowded House. Good song, actually.

That's peculiar,” said Bryce.”

STFU

Both groups get their guns ready. Fletch watches on two monitors. Lexi remembers Diana loved this song. Biker Rods find the beans in the cafeteria. As they inspect the vodka bean goop, a Fletcher sneaks in behind them and sniffs Sally's hair.

They whip around. and Sally stabs the bitch up through the bottom of his jaw and into the brain. Because that is something you can completely do with a switchblade. Rod wasn't really sure who it was.

The doors on the other side open and 24 Fletchers enter, half carrying torches and the other half carrying heads of victims on spikes. Note: Brad poorly wrote this as “sticks containing the severed heads of random people who, at some point, had tried to enter the high school.” If brevity is the soul of wit, then Brad is a retard.

One Fletcher in particular walked out in front of the others. He was carrying a torch. “This is our home!” he shouted. “It turns out that school was a nice place to be without people like you, Rod.”
Rod took a deep breath. “We should have stayed in the school.”

??? “in the school?” Did you mean to make a joke like “We should have stayed in school.” Though that doesn't really make any sense. Or did you mean they should have stayed in the school they came to, the one they are currently in? What the fuck does this mean?

It's like he's getting worse as he finishes up the book. More of this clunky ass writing.

With their free hands, the Fletches pulled out assault rifles and aimed them at Rod, Sally, and Reeves. They opened fire, hitting all three of them with several bullets, immediately sending them to the ground.

Brad, try this. “Still holding their torches, some of the Fletchers brandished automatic rifles and mowed down Rod and the biker chicks. They collapsed to the floor.”

Anyway, Lexi and Bryce hear it. Fletchers march around the corner and stop, cutting them off from that direction.

”Run!” she shouted.

End of chapter.
Mercifully last chpater next.