Kassandra Killjoy: Paranormal Private-Eye "The Search for the Swordsman" - A short story cosplaying as a novel by peeRod

[pibbs]

I hope he's still paying on those student loans.

[Osterzone]

You sure he didn’t just clean the toilets at a film school?

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

You sure he didn’t just clean the toilets at a film school?

He filmed it, so it counts.

[pibbs]

Well, he sure as hell wasn't there for screenwriting.

Or directing.

Or acting.

Or cinematography.

[pibbs]

Chapter 6: The Nail of Nefario and its Nefarious Applications

Another long ass chapter.
But we finally find the self-insert, and it is fucking embarrassing.

And some of the worst dialog I have ever read.Show

The rising sun that casts its light over Obscure City in the early mornings somehow hides the city's true identity as its citizens go about their day.

The Number 48 District School Bus zooms past traffic in its designated lane to Ray Harryhausen High School. Mad sits on the very back seat of the bus writing in her notebook.

Dear diary... I wish I could tell you that I've found my dad, and things are back to normal, but normal is a state I will never be in ever again. Discovering my dad's world has changed my perspective on everything and made my life seem much smaller.

The bus driver stops to let a few kids in and closes the door behind them. Mad notices there is a rosary on the inside of the bus door with a cross attached to it. She looks back at the bus driver, who has seen her looking at the cross. The driver smiles at her, nods, and continues driving.

Time progresses throughout her school day as usual, but Mad notices more evidence of the paranormal: pale, Goth kids who stick to the shadows and avoid the sunlight shining through the windows at all costs. She also notices how the leader of the popular girls has a voodoo charm on her bracelet,and she seems to almost be controlling the other popular girls with simple hand gestures. She turns away from the Goths and the popular girls just in time to see one of the swim-team members trying to hide the gills on his neck under his long hair.

I feel like I spent all my life with my eyes closed until Killjoy came along. It's like she taught me how to open them and see what has been in front of me all along.

Before classes are set to begin, Mad stops by the library. She picks out books about Ancient Greek and Egyptian Mythology and anything she can find regarding vampires, werewolves and the supernatural.

My dad always says, Luck favours the prepared. Well I'm sick of being unprepared. If the monsters that come out at night took him, T'm going to be ready for them.

The day goes by slowly. Mad distracts herself by hiding the books she checked out of the library within her textbooks and reading them during class.

Truth is: I've never fitted in anywhere. There's not a single group in school that I can honestly say I belong to. But last night, running around town with Killjoy even though 1 was in more danger than I've ever been in my life, it felt. right somehow, If 1 survive all of this, I think 1 might ask Killjoy for a job as her assistant, or Junior Detective, or something. Cause I really can't picture myself having a regular job, or life, after this.

Minute by minute, hour by hour, the day continues to pass. While the rest of her classmates enjoy their lunch period, eating and hanging out with friends, Mad spends the hour in in the the metal-shop classroom, fixing her skateboard and making crude weapons, like wooden stakes, a simple silver knife, and what could pass off as brass knuckles with iron rivets. They are crude, and hastily put together with what little time she has, but they'll do.

I'm sorry, dad. I'm not like you. I could never be content being an accountant or just a sidekick; I have to take matters into my own hands. I will find you. Wherever you are, I will find you and every Night Dweller that gets in my way better watch out 'cause tonight, I'm ready for them.

As the sun sets on the supernatural city, a public transit bus makes its routine stop in front of Killjoy Komics. Mad exits the bus, where Hime greets her.

"'Hey Lady, you gots any snacks for my mouff?"

"You bet I do, buddy," Mad answers, as she kneels and offers Hime little pieces of a hotdog in a Ziploc bag she procures from her backpack.

Hime scarfs them down, while making his usual comical sound, "Yum, Yum, Yum." Satisfied with his snack, Killjoy's familiar leads Mad into the comic book store

Unknown to her, a familiar figure watches her from the rooftop of a nearby building. The Swordsman's eyes never leave their charge.

Mad enters the comic book store and looks around, She spots the only employee, Dan The-Comic-Book-Man, and strides up confidently.

"Hello, I'm looking for Kassandra Killjoy."

Looking up, Dan's eyes widen with wonder. "Woah, the Squire's daughter,"' he responds with awe. ""Pleasure to meet you, bro. I'm Dan, Dan The-Comic-Book-Man." He raises a fist as an open invitation for a fist bump. Mad awkwardly raises her fist and reciprocates.

"Um, yeah, nice to meet you, too. Killjoy. .?"

"Boss Lady is in the back, in her office. It looks like a bathroom, but--like - it's not, and yet it is."

Mad stares at him with growing confusion. "Um.. Thanks."

She heads to the back, where Dan gestures and enters Killjoy's bathroom/office as Hime follows. After what she's been through, an office disguised as a bathroom doesn't seem so odd.

Killjoy stands at the opposite side of the room, with her back turned to Mad, as she looks over a massive wall covered in evidence, photographs, and clues from the case Hime runs across the room, climbing a cat tree, and begins licking himself, after declaring, "I gotta fix my hairs."

The Witch Detective looks worse for wear as Mad walks closer. She is barefoot, clad in a pair of Doopy the Delightful Dragon pyjamas, her hair a giant, red, tangled mess ,and her eyes have the beginnings of dark circles underneath them. It's evident that Killjoy never went to bed and stayed up all day studying the case.

Mad is in no way disturbed by Killjoy's appearance as she, instead, finds herself in awe of The Witch's office. There are incredible items just sitting and collecting dust almost everywhere she looks. Her state of wonder is only broken when she notices Killjoy's cluttered evidence wall.

"You've been busy," Mad observes

"Couldn't sleep," Killjoy responds, eyes never leaving the board. "A question kept me up all day."

"What question?"

"Why did he run?"

"Who?"

"The Swordsman."

Mad is surprised she didn't think about that herself. "'Damn, you're right. If the guy is such a badass monster killer, why did he run from a tiny Chinese girl on a skateboard?"

"Exactly," Killjoy grunted. "This case just has too many unanswered questions. What is Loopin Shadows' true agenda? What the hell is the Nail of Nefario? Hell, I don't even know who Nefario is!"

"He was a fifteenth-century Wizard,' Mad answers, much to Killjoy's surprise.

Turning around, Killjoy looks at Mad with a a mixture of shock and curiosity.

"Wait, how did you know that?"

"'I Googled it."

Mad reaches into her backpack and pulls out a stack of papers she printed out from her school library.

Flabbergasted, Killjoy snatches the papers out of her hand. "I spent all day pouring over the chronicles. All. Day.' She points at a big stack of books on her desk. " And it was on the internet all along?"

"Sometimes, the human ways are the best ways," Mad says, with a smirk and a sly tone.

Killjoy shakes her head and goes over the printouts she arranged on her messy desk. "'Okay, smarty. Anything in here about The Nail of Nefario?"

"Nah. Every website I looked at said the same thing. Nefario was an evil douchebag. So a lot, and I mean a lot, of people tried to kill him."

Killjoy's eyes land on one of the pages. Her lips curl into a smile, letting out a small chuckle. "And it just so happens that I know one of them." She turns the page around, pointing at a picture and showing it to Mad.

The picture is of an old, stained-glass window, similar to ones you would find in a catholic church or a medieval castle. The window has a portrait of two people: one is a knight, and the other is who Mad assumes to be Nefario. Both look to be in some type of battle.

"You see the knight that Nefario is fighting in this picture?" Killjoy asked.

"Yeah. "

"That is Sir Kadovan Killjoy. My dad!"

"Cool, I..." Mad's eyes widen as a a sudden realisation comes over her face. "Wait, your dad was a medieval knight?"

"Yep!" "Killjoy-when exactly were you born?" Mad asks with equal curiosity and confusion. "

"Towards the end of the Crusades," she answers. "But that would mean you're over seven hundred years old!"" Mad squeals.

"`Yes, but I don't look a day over three hundred! Isn't that crazy?"

"Holy hell!" Mad whispers, falling back into a chair. Her knees feel weak with the unexpected, shocking information.

Killjoy suddenly heads for the door, motioning for Mad to follow. ""Come on - we have a lead."

Mad sits there, staring at her with a questioning look. "What?" Killjoy asked. "Um... Are you sure you don't want to change out of your Doopy The Delightful Dragon pyjamas before fighting the forces of evil?"

"Oh, right. Probably a good idea." With a quick hand gesture, Killjoy's pyjamas change into her trademark suit and blue coat. She smooths and straightens her tie as the messy bush of red hair atop her head grooms itself and then contorts into the two waist-long braids she usually wears. She grabs her broom from the hooks on the wall and her wide-brimmed hat from the hat rack, and checks her pocket watch.

""Come along, Mad, Hime- we have work to do."

Mad shakes off the amazement from what she just witnessed. "'Where are we going?"

"We`re going to ask my dad about the Nail of Nefario.

"Wait-he's still alive?"

"Well... Not exactly."

The sun has set and darkness begins to creep over the city once more. The Obscure City Cemetery takes on a sinister appearance in the moonlight, yet Killjoy and Mad make their way through the tombstones, using flashlights to cut through the encroaching blackness. Hime follows along, showing no sign of worry.

"So, are you immortal?" Mad finally breaks the silence.

"No, witches die all the time," Killjoy responds, slightly annoyed. "Haven't they taught you about the Salem Witch Trials at your school?"

"Yeah, but we're taught they were innocent women who were killed, not actual Witches," Madeline explains. I still can't believe it. Seven hundred years old, and you look like you?re only thirty!"

"We age differently. We age slowly in our first hundred years, and then we stop aging when we reach adulthood. Same goes for most Night Dwellers."

"That's insane!"

"What's really insane is how much humans achieve in their ridiculously short lifespans," Killjoy says. "'Most three hundred-year-old Warlocks I know are stilliving in their parents' basements. "

Their conversation is interrupted by a sudden, low noise which takes them both by surprise, rumbling stopping them dead in their tracks.

"What was that?" Mad asks, with fear in her voice.

"Oh no... I was afraid of this."

" Afraid of what?"

"Early Risers."

Mad wants to ask what Early Risers are but she has a feeling she's going to find out. Her eyes dart around the graveyard, searching.

Out of the corner of her eye, she notices the ground twitch and move. Her eyes widen as five different graves burst at the same time, sending wood and earth in every direction. When the debris clears, Killjoy, Mad, and Hime find themselves surrounded by very feral-looking vampires.

Noticing the trouble brewing, Killjoy draws her broom, holding it like a shotgun, ready to fight at a moment's notice.

Hime lowers his head and growls, "Hey deh stinky feets! These are my persons! They belong to me!"

Mad pulls out the wooden stake she made earlier that day, holding it like a spear close to her shoulder; her body taking up a crude fighting stance.

"Where did you get that?" Killjoy asks.

"'I made it at school." Mad looks pretty proud of this, and it shows in her voice.

Kiljoy is slightly impressed and reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out a medium-sized wooden mallet

"Here, take this."

Mad is taken aback but grabs the mallet anyway, still trying to keep an eye on the advancing vampires. What for? I have a weapon already."

"Do you know how hard it is to drive a wooden stake through a rib cage?" Killjoy explains. "You need Slayer strength for that."

"What's a Slayer?" Mad asks.

"A show you need to watch if you want to continue being friends."

The Vampire suddenly jolts and pounces towards them before they can continue their conversation

Acting quickly, Killjoy knocks away three of them close to Mad with a plasma bolt from her broom. Hime, meanwhile, diverts two of them with his teleportation powers, tricking them and causing both to crash through a tombstone.

"What's wrong with these things? They're so mindless!" Mad yells, while swinging her mallet at a few making their way towards her.

"These are not purebloods - they were turned. Only natural-born vampires are the smooth, sexy Ann Rice type," Killjoy explains. "'When a Vampire turns a human, this is what we get. Big, dumb, hungry, feral vamps."

One vamp jumps at Mad, but she kicks him back and follows up her attack by stabbing him in the chest with her homemade stake, but just as Killjoy warned, the stake gets stuck in his rib cage and fails to kill him. "'Damn it!"

"I told you!" Killjoy yells.

"Shut up!" Mad shouts as she whacks the Vamp across the face with the wooden mallet. It does nothing, as the rabid creature keeps advancing and attacking. Mad pulls out a second stake from her bag, for round two. Before they can tussle one more time, a large net comes out of the darkness, entangling the Vamp and leaving it incapacitated. The beast growls and hisses as it fails to escape its bonds.

Surprised at the sudden turn of events, Mad looks around to see all the other vampires dealing with the same predicament. Nets have them captured, and they all struggle pointlessly to escape.

Only one vampire is left standing. It turns around and tries to run for it. It doesn't get far. After the vamp takes a few steps, someone jumps out of the shadows and stabs it with a cattle prod, electrocuting it. When the vampire hits the ground, it foams at the mouth, shaking pathetically.

"You girls better take your Halloween party elsewhere, the mystery man wielding the cattle prod instructs. "The cemetery is a suck-head zone tonight."

Killjoy narrows her eyes as a sense of familiarity hits her. "Gar?"

The man steps closer, allowing Killjoy and Mad to finally get a good look at their saviour.

Killjoy's eyes widen as realization and pure joy takes over her complexion. "Ha ha! Mad, this is my old pa lGarrett Kayhill!`"

Garret Kayhill is a is a very rugged-looking, blue-collar man. He is dressed in dirty, common work boots and a dark blue jumpsuit. He's a well-fit man with a barrel chest and a chiselled, lantern jaw complete with a permanent five- o'clock shadow.

"Kassandra Killjoy?" Garret sounds equally surprised and just as pleased to see the Witch. "Come here, you sultry sorceress."

Making their way towards each other, they embrace. Garret gives Killjoy a hearty bear hug and a very enthusiastic kiss to the cheek. She blushes and playfully puts her hand on his chest. "Merciful Malus! It's good to see you! I see you're still hitting the gym, too," she says, with a smirk.

"Yeah, just trying to keep in shape, Garret says modestly. "'Chasing Vamps is a young man's game, and I'm no spring chicken. Hey, how about you? You're still prettier than a brand new Trans-Am!"

Killjoy giggles and blushes at the compliment, while twiddling one of her braids in her fingers. ""Oh, stop!"

"No, seriously, stop!" Mad groans. "Any more old- people flirting, and I will throw up on the cat."

Hime growls a low warning at this. Killjoy is knocked out of her stupor by the sound of Mad's voice. She seems to have forgotten that her companions even even exist. exist. "Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Where are my manners? Gar, this is my new familiar, Hime,"

"Hey deh mistah, these are my persons," " Hime explains.

"Ah, new blood!" Garret smiles and waves at the Hime while putting his arm around Killjoy's shoulders "Watch out for this one; she's as beautiful as she is dangerous.?

Killjoy giggles at this so hard she accidentally lets out a loud snort.

Mad rolls her eyes at the display

"Oh, this is my new client and bestie, Mad Chan," Killjoy clarifies

"A pleasure, Miss Chan," Garret smiles. "Garrett Kayhill, VampEx, at your service all night and every night."

"VampEx? Mad asks.

Garret pulls a business card out of his pocket, handing it to Mad. Taking the card, she examines it closely. It reads 'Garrett Kayhill VampEx - Vampire Exterminations 1- 800-VAMPEXX.`

"You're a vampire exterminator?" Mad exclaims, in utter surprise.

"Yup! And you thought your job sucked,` Garret says with too much enthusiasm. Both Garret and Killjoy laugh at his joke a little too enthusiastically.

Mad rolls her eyes at their needlessly extreme cackling

Noticing Mad's annoyance, Garret's laughing slows down and he clears his throat. . Sorry -- a little vampire exterminator humour."

"'So, Gar - not that I'm complaining, but what are you doing here?" Killjoy asks. "'Hitting newborn Vamps at the source?"

"No, nothing that proactive. The folks who own this cemetery have me on retainer. I hit this place twice a week and today just so happened to be one of those days. How about you? Why are you out here playing Scooby-Doo with Velma over here?"

"Velma? Mad protests.

"We're here to talk to my dad," Killjoy explains, ignoring Mad's exasperation.

"Kadovan? Oh, sweetie, you're on the wrong path. The mausoleums are that way," Garrett explains, while pointing behind them in the opposite direction to where they were travelling

"Damn it! Every time they expand this place, they make it more confusing."

"Not as confusing as you not returning any of my calls. "

"I get busy." "I liked to get busy."

"Okay!" Mad loudly interjects. "We have a case to solve. So thank you for the directions and the Vamp. Exing, Garrett, but we've got to get going." Mad starts pulling Killjoy away from Garrett by the arm, dragging her in the direction of the mausoleums.

Garrett laughs as the small teenager awkwardly manhandles Killjoy. "Hey. Killjoy!" Garret calls out. "You need anything, you give old Gar a call! You understand?"

"You got it, Gar. We'll talk later."' Killjoy stumbles clumsily as Mad pulls her away down the shadowy path.

Garrett chuckles as he begins rounding up his captured vampires, while watching their retreating forms.

The north-east quarter of the cemetery is one of its oldest sections, featuring plots that date back to the 1800s. Killjoy leads the way with her flashlight, as Mad and Hime follow.

"I don't get you," Mad rants. "You face off against monsters and vampires like you*re Xena Warrior Princess, but you run into the Brawny Man, and you turn into one of the giggling girls from my school."

"`Physical attraction is a natural response all beings have, Mad," Killjoy lectures. "'Remind me to make fun of you next time you run into the person that makes you giggle like a schoolgirl."

"Ha! Don't hold your breath."

"Hold that thought, We're here,' Killjoy says as she comes to a stop in front of an old concrete structure with a sign over the entryway that reads Mausoleo Autem Heroibus? - Latin for Mausoleum of Heroes.

The Witch, Human, and Cat slowly enter the heroic shrine as Killjoy further exposits. Towards the end of his life, my father went on a few missions for The Holy Alliance, so when he passed away, they brought his body here to The Mausoleum of Heroes. Originally, I moved to this town to be closer to him, but I ended up settling down."

"You still haven't explained how we'll talk to your dead father," Mad reminds.

"With this." Killjoy holds out a small vial of water.

"What is that? Holy Water?"

"Close. These are the tears of children."

Mad is slightly disturbed. "I don't even want to know how you got those."

"Yeah, that was a long week at the day-care. Anyway, children and some animals are tuned to the part of the visual spectrum in which Ghosts are visible. That's why they're the first to perceive a spectral entity when a house is haunted. Generally, the child believes the entity to be an imaginary friend."

"Wait," Mad interrupts in utter shock. "So you're saying that every time a little kid has an imaginary friend, it's a ghost?"

"Pretty much." "Mr Bobo was a ghost? God, that's freaking creepy! Congratulations, Killjoy - you just ruined my childhood."

"You're welcome. Anyway, you pour some child tears right into your eyes, and you'll be able to see ghosts again."

"Fine. Just hand over the bottle, and let's get this over with."

. Woah, Mad. Hold your horses. That's a bad idea,"

"Why?"

"You'll be able to see every ghost everywhere. It can be very disturbing Most humans can 't handle it. Plus. I'm not sure how long it will be before it wears off, It could be an hour; it might be more."

"Killjoy, I need to find my dad, and if seeing ghosts gets me closer to finding him, I'm doing it."

Killjoy hesitates for a moment. "All right. Can't say I didn`t warn you."

Killjoy unscrews the bottle of child tears revealing the cap to have a water dropper attached to it.

"Tilt your head back, and don't blink," Killjoy instructs.

Mad does as the Witch says, with little hesitation. Killjoy carefully pours a single drop of child tears into each of Mad's eyes.

Instantly, Mad feels a weird sensation in her eyes, like when her vision adjusts after going out in the bright sunlight after being in a dark room.

She can see Killjoy performing the same operation on her own eyes, and then suddenly, the ghosts start to come into focus.

About a dozen spectres inhabit the mausoleum. They are all silvery-white and translucent.

Mad looks out of the mausoleum doorway and sees that hundreds of ghosts populate the cemetery. Some seem as pristine as a living person, while others bear the damage from the cause of their death.

Killjoy approaches her companion with the utmost concern. "You okay, Mad?"

"There's... a lot of kids."

"Yeah. The world is a pretty messed-up place."

"Let's get this over with."

Our heroes approach the resting place of Sir Kadovan Killjoy. It is a beautiful marble casket with the likeness of Sir Killjoy adorning the lid and sides.

"Hola Papá. It's me," Killjoy greets. "I need to ask you some questions, if you have a minute."

A few seconds go by, and nothing happens.

"Does it usually take this long?" Mad wonders.

"He likes to make an entrance." Right on cue, Sir Kadovan Killjoy grandly appears before them, like a magician reappearing after a trick.

"Ay, Mi Linda Querida,' Sir Kadovan begins. "You look as beautiful as your mother."

"Holy Hecate, don't say that!" Killjoy demands.

Killjoy and her father go to touch hands, and even though part of her hand goes right through his, they continue the gesture of affection as if it were an everyday occurrence.

"Papá, this is my new client and friend, Mad Chan."

Sir Kadovan greets her in a very formal fashion, complete with a bow, and proceeds to introduce himself in the most elaborate of fashions.

"Sir Kassious Kadovan Killjoy at your service, madam. Knight of the Realm, The Spear of Spain, and proud representative of The Holy Alliance."

"Yeah, I'm "but Madeline Killjoy Chan," Mad responds awkwardly. "But Killjoy calls me Mad. for some reason."

"My dear daughter does have her peculiar habits,"

"Tell me about it,' Mad agrees.

"All right, enough about me!" Killjoy interrupts, "Papá, we need your help."

Killjoy pulls out the piece of paper with the stained- glass picture depicting the battle between him and Nefario.

"We need to know about this."

"Ah, Nefario - that demented delinquent. We had many battles."

"Did any of those battles involve something called the Nail of Nefario?"

"They still call it that?" the knight exclaims, rather pleased with himself. 'Ha, I gave it that name myself!"

"Cool."

Killjoy goes to high-five her father, but once again, her hand just goes right through his.

"Yes, young lady, one of our encounters did involve the Nail, he continues. "'It was our final encounter. Why do you ask?"

"I believe Mad's father took the Nail from a local gangster. "

" What? Really?" Mad interjects.

"Why do you think they ambushed you in the alley and searched your place?" Killjoy clarifies. They were looking for the Nail., Your father and The Swordsman must have stolen it from Shadows after winning it at the auction. He must know that your dad was The Squire and was so desperate to get the Nail back that he came after you directly.

"Fat load of good it would have done him," Mad comments. I didn't know anything about this stuff until yesterday."

Killjoy nods in agreement as she turns her attention back towards her father. "Which brings me to my next question, Papá. If Shadows wants this thing so badly that he is willing to risk exposing his kind in broad daylight, it must be pretty damned important. So, what does the Nail of Nefario do?"

"Throughout his years of villainy," the Knight explains, " Nefario only had a few Night Dwellers doing his bidding. He created the Nail to expand his ranks."

"What?" Mad asks.

"If a Night Dweller inserts the Nail of Nefario into his heart, the Nail emits a blinding light that gives all surrounding humans aspects of that creature and transforms them into Night Dwellers."

"Holy Hecate - an instant army!" Killjoy exclaims.

"Exactly. Nefario was going to build an army of Night Dwellers, and any time he lost soldiers, he could easily replace them using his enemies' troops."

"Night Dwellers would no longer be a minority," Killjoy concludes.

"Thankfully the Holy Alliance and I stopped him and hid the Nail. Which makes it quite vexing how that demonic device was simply bought at an auction!" he adds, with great displeasure.

"Yeah, that's pretty lame,"' Killjoy agrees.

As they talk, Mad sees the Swordsman watching them from the mausoleum entrance. She casually grabs her skateboard and then throws it at him.

The skateboard hits the Swordsman right in the face, so hard that one of its wheels falls off and rolls away.

The mysterious warrior falls to the ground in a very undignified manner. Before he can attempt to make a run for it. Mad jumps on him and wrestles him to the ground.

Killjoy turns just in time to see Mad pounce on him.

"Can't say she doesn't learn."

Killjoy goes running after Mad when her father's words stop her. "Kassandra, mi amor," he warns. "Please be careful; that young lady is in more danger than she knows."

"I will, Papá." With this, Killjoy takes off after her friend.

"Vaya con Dios, mi querida," Sir Kadovan proclaims as he vanishes.

Outside the mausoleum, the Swordsman struggles with Mad and eventually evades her grasp and gets away. He staggers to his feet and clumsily tries to run, but suddenly a chain wraps itself around his ankles and he falls right on his face, losing his hat.

Mad turns to see Killjoy holding the other end of the chain, which is her magic pocket watch.

"Yeah, yeah, I know you're in a hurry," the Witch says in a cocky tone. "But we need to chat."

Killjoy effortlessly drags him across the grass and picks him up by the shirt, ready to play bad cop, when she suddenly recognises the man before her.

"'Cal?"

Mad quickly gets closer to better look at the man in Killjoy's grasp.

"Sergeant Calhoun! The man behind the front desk at the Obscure Police Department is the one who has been posing as The Swordsman.

Killjoy drops him on the ground and points her broom at him. Mad pulls out her makeshift silver knife. Killjoy is shocked by her weapon, but keeps her focus on Calhoun.

"Where's my dad? Mad demands.

"And why are you dressed as The Swordsman?" Killjoy adds.

"How do you know I'm not the Swordsman?" Calhoun questions with a slight crack in his voice.

Mad loses her patience and puts her knife to his throat. "Okay, okay... Jesus!" Calhoun cries out. "Look, I don't know where your old man is. He hired me to dress up like this and pretend to be The Swordsman."

"Why?" Killjoy asks.

"He said he needed a decoy: someone to pretend to be The Swordsman so he and the real Swordsman could have regular lives. He would send me an envelope with money and a location. I would put on the costume, stand on a rooftop, the monsters would take one look at me and scatter. Easy money."

"That's it?" Killjoy responded with scepticism in her voice. ""You put on a costume and play pretend? Not good enough, Cal. There's something bigger at play here. You got to give me something more."

"Like I said, I don't know where Charles is," Calhoun reassures her. 'But I know where he might be."

[pibbs]

Hime runs across the room, climbing a cat tree, and begins licking himself, after declaring, "I gotta fix my hairs."

peeRod has a fixation with cats licking themselves. This is like the fourth mention of this cat licking itself.

She is barefoot, clad in a pair of Doopy the Delightful Dragon pyjamas

He really wants this to be a thing.

"This case just has too many unanswered questions. What is Loopin Shadows' true agenda? What the hell is the Nail of Nefario?"

That's two. Two unanswered questions, dumbass.

So, it turns out Killjoys dad often battled Nefario. For some reason it never came up in conversation at the dinner table.

"Yep!" "Killjoy-when exactly were you born?" Mad asks with equal curiosity and confusion. "

"Towards the end of the Crusades," she answers.

She asked for an exact time, fucktwit.

the messy bush of red hair

Yeah?

atop her head

Oh. Thought we were going in an interesting direction there.

Anyway, they go to talk to KJ's ghost dad. On the way we learn witches stop aging in adulthood.

"'Most three hundred-year-old Warlocks I know are still living in their parents' basements. "

I can't tell if he's making a joke here or not.

When suddenly...

Out of the corner of her eye, she notices the ground twitch and move. Her eyes widen as five different graves burst at the same time, sending wood and earth in every direction. When the debris clears, Killjoy, Mad, and Hime find themselves surrounded by very feral-looking vampires.

Noticing the trouble brewing, Killjoy draws her broom, holding it like a shotgun, ready to fight at a moment's notice.

"Do you know how hard it is to drive a wooden stake through a rib cage?" Killjoy explains. "You need Slayer strength for that."

"What's a Slayer?" Mad asks.

"A show you need to watch if you want to continue being friends."

What's the target audience age for this again? That show is over 20 years old, you middle-aged creep.

And another...

"You face off against monsters and vampires like you*re Xena Warrior Princess

Followed by an almost 40 year old reference.

"These are not purebloods - they were turned. Only natural-born vampires are the smooth, sexy Ann Rice type,"

The most shocking thing, is they are rescued by a man. Not very progressive of you,peeRod, might lose the feminist ally badge. But hark! This is no ordinary man, it's a self-insert.

Mad looks around to see all the other vampires dealing with the same predicament. Nets have them captured, and they all struggle pointlessly to escape.

"You girls better take your Halloween party elsewhere, the mystery man wielding the cattle prod instructs. "The cemetery is a suck-head zone tonight."

Suck heads. Was that a Blade reference, or Lost Boys? I can't remember.


Cue the most cringe, embarrassing dialog I have ever read in a "published" "book."

Garret Kayhill is a is a very rugged-looking, blue-collar man. He is dressed in dirty, common work boots and a dark blue jumpsuit. He's a well-fit man with a barrel chest and a chiselled, lantern jaw complete with a permanent five- o'clock shadow.

"Kassandra Killjoy?" Garret sounds equally surprised and just as pleased to see the Witch. "Come here, you sultry sorceress."

This fucking dialog!!!

Making their way towards each other, they embrace. Garret gives Killjoy a hearty bear hug and a very enthusiastic kiss to the cheek. She blushes and playfully puts her hand on his chest. "Merciful Malus! It's good to see you! I see you're still hitting the gym, too," she says, with a smirk.

You're still prettier than a brand new Trans-Am!"

Killjoy giggles and blushes at the compliment, while twiddling one of her braids in her fingers. ""Oh, stop!"

"Watch out for this one; she's as beautiful as she is dangerous.?

Killjoy giggles at this so hard she accidentally lets out a loud snort.

I'm done. I'm fucking done with this chapter. Voice, you take over.

*record scratch

"You still haven't explained how we'll talk to your dead father," Mad reminds.

"With this." Killjoy holds out a small vial of water.

"What is that? Holy Water?"

"Close. These are the tears of children."

"Yeah, that was a long week at the day-care..

WTF?! This just got metal. But I'm sure it was by complete accident. Rod is about as edgy as Linkara's egg dome.

Uh.. they talk to dead daddy. The McGuffin is a thing that will mass change people to night dwellers or some shit. I don't care. Sgt. Calhoun is pretending to be teh Swordsman, because the real one got too lazy and pays him to do it. No, really.

End of chapter.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I'm done. I'm fucking done with this chapter. Voice, you take over.

A bit later my Dear. Some things however require my immediate attention:

"Yep!" "Killjoy-when exactly were you born?" Mad asks with equal curiosity and confusion. "

"Towards the end of the Crusades," she answers.

She asked for an exact time, fucktwit.

You know, considering how old the main character is and how events from the past keeps coming up, he really doesn't seem to bother doing much research.
I mean, the most important event in the history of mankind - the creation of what is basically the Master Sword - happened "Sometimes in a span of about 800 years or so", and now we have her birthday set "towards the end of the Crusades" - which is just vague enough to be confusing.
He probably did enough research to know that the "classic" Crusades ended around 1291, but then why not name one specifically?
But he also did not do enough researches that there have been distinct batches of Crusades well into the 18th century. In fact her birthday of 1293 falls well within the Crusades after Acre, and she was still a loli when the Crusade of the Poor happened.

"These are not purebloods - they were turned. Only natural-born vampires are the smooth, sexy Ann Rice type,"

We've seen that drawing of your master vampire. There was nothing smooth, sexy or Ann Rice about him.
And it's good to know that your self-insert is not only murdering members of a marginalized community of this city, but specifically their members born out of Rassenschande.

Literally all the dialogue between Killjoy and Self-Insert

JFC. So not only is he a self-insert, but she is your OC waifu, who is so enthralled by your sexiness that she effectively turns into a different character as soon as she gets a whiff of your manly pheromones.
I mean from what we've gathered so far of her most enchanting personality, she would be a classic tsundere bitch to you.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

So, trying to continue where pibbs left off. But first I have to address one of the most baffling series of events so far:

Time progresses throughout her school day as usual, but Mad notices more evidence of the paranormal: pale, Goth kids who stick to the shadows and avoid the sunlight shining through the windows at all costs. She also notices how the leader of the popular girls has a voodoo charm on her bracelet,and she seems to almost be controlling the other popular girls with simple hand gestures. She turns away from the Goths and the popular girls just in time to see one of the swim-team members trying to hide the gills on his neck under his long hair.

*record scratch* Excuse me? The monster kids go to the same school as the muggles? Why? And, most importantly, how? The vampires alone raise so many questions I don't even know where to start - and that's with the glamor, 'cause I'm pretty sure that doesn't hide spontaneous combustion caused by bullies shoving goths in the wrong direction.
And why do the swim team members try to hide their gills? Either the glamor works (in which case it doesn't matter), or it doesn't (in which case anyone noticing is in on the secret). Also swimming isn't exactly a sport where people can cover up their necks, especially not with their hair.
You can't even explain this shit with Maddy having missed an important orientation class, not having any friends and being too dumb to notice that she's the only goth at school who doesn't seem to be afraid of sunlight. This is just broken worldbuilding. ERod wanted her to have a scene where she sees the signs, but never thought about how this whole setup would've worked before the plot started.
If you really want Maddy to see the signs, just have her visit one of her regular stores and notice that the cashier she's known for years is suddenly the Creature from the Black Lagoon, but none of the other regular customers seem to notice.

Also this gem:

I'm sorry, dad. I'm not like you. I could never be content being an accountant or just a sidekick

Didn't you just think about wanting to become Killjoy's assistant ?

Towards the end of his life, my father went on a few missions for The Holy Alliance, so when he passed away, they brought his body here to The Mausoleum of Heroes. Originally, I moved to this town to be closer to him, but I ended up settling down.

This is a US city, right? Then how come her dad is here? He died centuries before this town existed. Or was he the "witch" and Killjoy's mother the human?

"He likes to make an entrance." Right on cue, Sir Kadovan Killjoy grandly appears before them, like a magician reappearing after a trick.

Note that we don't get a single description of this ghost, even though the same chapter was falling over itself describing his self-insert in lavish detail.

And speaking of his self-insert: Shouldn't Killjoy be a bit more careful/jaded with regards to flirting? Romancing humans kinda sucks if you keep outliving them.

"Night Dwellers would no longer be a minority," Killjoy concludes.

Don't phrase it like that. You're making your target audience root for them.

As they talk, Mad sees the Swordsman watching them from the mausoleum entrance. She casually grabs her skateboard and then throws it at him.

The skateboard hits the Swordsman right in the face, so hard that one of its wheels falls off and rolls away.

How fast can you throw skateboards that this guy doesn't even have time to react?

"He said he needed a decoy: someone to pretend to be The Swordsman so he and the real Swordsman could have regular lives. He would send me an envelope with money and a location. I would put on the costume, stand on a rooftop, the monsters would take one look at me and scatter. Easy money."

Good to know that the current generation of Swordsman and Squire have their priorities sorted out.
And if they think that scaring monsters every now and then is too much work, who exactly is opposed of monster self-policing? It seems nobody actually likes the status quo, yet it has been in effect for centuries.

[pibbs]

It HAS to be a US city. He mentions an In-N- Out burger. As far as I know they haven't expanded into Europe.

Of the many problems of this book, his world building is poorly thought out. The world is whatever it needs to be to serve his stupid plot.

How does a person survive being hit in the face with a skateboars so hard the wheel falls off? Dude should be in ICU with tubes down his throat. This world has cartoon physics.

[Osterzone]

Is that how he flirted with Marsha? Saying she was prettier than a new Trans-Am? And that worked on her? Tallahassee must have lead in its water