Kassandra Killjoy: Paranormal Private-Eye "The Search for the Swordsman" - A short story cosplaying as a novel by peeRod

[pibbs]

So, yeah, this book is awful in every way. I won't repeat myself, as pee has demonstrated he has no ability to write good fiction. I'll just hIt some highlights.

Ironically, its owner, the beloved billionaire Light Preston, is the most deserving of being housed in such a facility

No editorial in the narrative unless it's first person, you hack.

he is better known in the underworld as Loopin Shadows

Yeah, we know. Why are you recapping? This book isn't that long.

This chapter is filled with bad jokes, cliche phrases, and references that reflect peeRod's age and not of his target audience. Read them for yourself.


This chapter ends with a fight scene that I'm sure plays epically in peeRod's head, with great special FX, and swelling orchestral music, or rock music. But on paper is cringe, silly, and cliche. It would be a little better if peeRod actually described things better. Or wrote better dialog. Or just killed himself before writing this utter shit.,

Mad, this is not my hero's journey. It's yours."

Oh, fuck you, peeRod. I bet you can't even name the stages of the hero's journey circle, because it's certainly not demonstrated here. It's only by pure accident that there's any structure whatsoever, as you copy the ton of capeshit media you have consumed, so you loosely know how a story is supposed to go. However, you do nothing creative, nor original nor interesting with the genre. This is a chinese knock-off of an already shitty brand of storytelling. Fuck you.

Anyway. As predicted (by one of us, forget who) Mad is the new Swordsman.

"You're fresh out of excuses, Mad. Will you accept the calling, cross the threshold, and conclude your Hero's Journey?

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU! The threshold is supposed to happen AT THE BEGINNING OF THE FUCKING STORY NOT IN THE LAST CHAPTER, YOU DUMB SHIT!

Also, becoming the Swordsman isn't the threshold, retard. The threshold was wayyyy back when Killjoy got her involved in the adventure. Your ignorance is outstanding. Let me guess, you heard about the hero's journey in a YouTube video somewhere (probably Lindsay's, and only partially listened while masturbating), but didn't bother to actually go study it (or any story writing basics)before writing this shit.

Case in point...

Killjoy and Mad heroically emerge from the smoke.

Don't tell us it was heroic. Describe it. Set it up. Let the reader feel the heroism. peeBrain, you are a terrible writer.

"Very well, then. What is thy command?" he says, begrudgingly.

"First of all, what's with the old English?

THAT'S NOT OLD ENGLISH YOU STUPID CUNT. IT'S EARLY MODERN ENGLISH DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH, YOU LAZY GOBLIN!

Examples of his lack of writing skill. Look at this shit.

Minerva's eyes widen as she watches Mad take the sword like a baseball bat and swat at the plasma bolt. Mad knocks the bolt in the opposite direction.

Minerva watches in horror as the bolt flies past her and towards Shadows.

peeRod doesn't even know basic combing of sentences or phrases to be more readable.

A white plasma bolt hits the wall behind him, completely missing him.

He turns to see Mad holding the Heavenly Blade like a rifle

"You want our blood? Then come and get it, douche bag!" Mad invites.

Killjoy is impressed by her bravado. "'Damn, Mad badass!"

A stray plasma bolt knocks Shadow's silver mask away, revealing that he isn't hiding scars, but half of his face is permanently stuck in human form,

Mad's jaw drops at the horrific sight. So the part of your face you keep hidden is the part that looks like Jon Hamm?"

"Now that's a twist M. Night Shyamalan wouldn't see coming!" Killjoy quips.

I'm done. Voice...

One last thing...

Not to mention the humiliation of getting knocked out by a ninety-pound girl."

Pretty sure this is peeRod's attempt at being meta, as the common complaint about modern woke movies is that a 90lb female protagonist can somehow beat up a full-grown man. peeRod once again demonstrates he is functionally retarded and doesn't understand the argument.

BTW His usual responses to these are "small peepee man." Just saw him in a tweet the other day defending "The Marvels" and he said this exact phrase.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Holy fucking shit, I browsed older tweets for this Killjoy account, and I was not prepared for the horror I found:

This will ruin your reading experience even harderShow

Killjoy is Lupa!!!1OneEleven (or at least sounds like her)

Moving on, my summarized opinion on this whole ordeal of a book:

In a town filled with ghouls and monsters, there is no more terrifying a location than Preston Penitentiary; a Supermax facility meant to contain the most depraved and unforgivable members of human society.

Is suggesting that prison inmates deserve to be locked up even considered halal in Current Year? I thought US prisons are just an excuse by the government to lock up all the black people they didn't feel like executing on the spot.

Anyhow, Shadows plans to turn the inmates into monsters because of how eeeevil they are.
Also he literally owns the place, which might've also been part of the decision-making process.

Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Preston Penitentiary Purchased fifty years ago by Yours Truly for just this occasion.

You know, if this guy gets any more cliche he'll offer Killjoy to rule the galaxy world together.

Then he drags them "into a small room", which I guess means a cell.

Minerva follows them in. "Ladies, I hope you find your current accommodation to your liking."

"What?" Killjoy barks. "'I specifically asked for two twin beds and a beach-side view. I'm going to give you such a bad Yelp review!"

You can tell the situation is dire because of how serious our heroes treat the situation.

So Killjoy gets some iron shackles to stop any magic tricks.

The manacles appear to be enchanted as they snap open, and iron tendrils hold Killjoy's arms against her body and then close an iron ring around her neck

Yeah, I guess you could call that enchanted. Not sure why seeing how normal iron shackles did the trick earlier.
Also how do you enchant iron if iron stops magic from working?

The stupid cat is also bondaged up (which apparently prevents teleporting), and Maddy... I guess she just stands around? It doesn't say if they've done anything to her.

For some reason Minerva also tells them that it is T-minus 11 minutes until the book starts re-enacting the finale of the first X-Men movie.

"Huh, she told us exactly how much time before the ritual begins. Interesting," Killjoy muses.

You know, I would give ERod some props if he copied Watchmen a little, and the whole ritual will actually finish in 5 minutes.

Our brave heroes stay cool and level-headed, of course.

"Mad - you okay over there?"

"Yeah, I'm great. My dad was killed by a psychotic Freddy Kruger wannabe, the world's about to end, and I'm in jail."

"It could be worse."

"How? How could it possibly be worse?"

"They could be releasing another Fast and Furious movie."

And why "Freddy Kruger" wannabe? The gauntlet doesn't really have claws per se, and he's just wearing a hat because everyone's rocking 40's noir outfits. Why not call him the Phantom of the Opera? He has a mask covering half of his face.

Then suddenly Killjoy gets serious and does some inane ramblings about how Maddy is destined to be The Swordsman. Heck, she effectively is The Swordsman. Somehow. And that's why her dad didn't want her to find out about the supernatural. Okay.

"The daughter of two of the greatest warriors of our time: The Swordsman and his Squire. It's in your blood."

Also apparently this Swordsman stuff is hereditary now. Because.
Honestly you could leave out this whole dialogue, and things would be a lot less dumb and confusing.

Also for some reasons the bad guys decided to dump the swords a few feet away from the cell, so they don't have to look for long after Maddy uses the time rewinder thingie to free Killjoy. How convenient.

The cell door gets blown open with a green plasma bolt.

Does anyone else find it odd that Killjoy conjures sci-fi projectiles? Wizards don't really do much "plasma". They throw fireballs, lightning, or generic energy.

Killjoy and Mad heroically emerge from the smoke.

And for some reason Killjoy leaves Maddy alone to get past the Frankenstein-looking fellow and grab the sword? Couldn't she spare the 2 seconds it would take her to plasma the fuck out of the guy?
Luckily her dad's ghost is talking in her head to ensure her that she is now properly girlbossed into being a strong and invincible Swordsman. Even though she has never actually touched the sword?
Also I thought the Swordsman needs the sword before he can even begin to kick ass?

Mad is overtaken by confidence and addresses Mason directly. "Hey ugly!"

Mason notices her, and he is not pleased. "Hey! How you get out of your cell?"

He's only now noticing the escape? Earlier he and the sword were described to be "just a few feet" away and within sight. How can he neither see nor hear the cell door getting blown up?

Then after all the build-up she just dodge-rolls past him, grabs the sword, and then she becomes the Swordman. What a strange series of events.

And naturally she's too cool to just strike the monster down. She has to do some weird trap move instead.

Suddenly, Mad throws the Blade straight up into the air and takes one step back.

Mason is confused by her unorthodox move and comes to to a a screeching halt right in front of her. Before he can question why she threw away her weapon, the sword comes back down on top of his head, impaling itself through the top of his skull.

What is this, her super move for an Injustice appearance?

Then the remaining Lupakin appears. And as it turns out, the badass assassin who got clowned on by a cat turns out to be no match for The Swordsman.

Meanwhile (precisely at the same time, in fact; not sure why he had to specify this) Killjoy and the cat arrive at the security room to check up on the monitors I guess.

"Watch the door. Hime,' the Witch instructs "If anyone who's not one of your persons comes along, teleport them to the boiler room."

Since when can the cat teleport others?

Turns out Shadows is holding a speech for the inmates for some reason, and Killjoy magicks up the monitor to record him in his human form? I guess she wants "evidence" to tear down his capitalist empire? There's a pretty good chance he'll get killed anyways, so I'm not entirely sure how important this is.
Then she flies to the rooftop and orders an Elizabethan Gargoyle to call the cops. Okay.

Everyone arrives in the ritual room, but sadly Shadows finishes his cliche speech earlier than expected and transforms the inmates anyways. Minerva tries to plasma Maddy, but she uses her shiny new blade to deflect the blast and redirect it towards Shadows. I knew this was a ripoff of the Master Sword.

Shadows looks down just in time to see the plasma bolt make contact his explosive gauntlet. His smile fades.

Boom!

I bet this would look so cool in movie form

Somehow this stops/reverts the transformations. Convenient.
Killjoy and Minerva finally star their epic duel, and Shadows is fine? Dude just lost an arm, which regrows. Okay.
Wait, if he has regeneration, why does he have a Phantom of the Opera mask?

Then Maddy gives him a warning shot with her Master Sword in the dumbest way possible:

He turns to see Mad holding the Heavenly Blade like a rifle.

What is it with people in this book using everything like a gun? Just use a fucking sword beam slash. Every animu does it.
For some reason Shadows doesn't feel scared by the biggest monster killer in the entire world. And to make it even dumber the cat starts using her teleport tricks to troll him.
He ends up slapsticking into some convenient control panel that opens all the cells.

All the metal doors swing open, and his newly created army begins to emerge.

"Newly created"? Didn't you just say that the "effects of the Nail of Nefario cease" when Shadows' arm exploded? Oh, you meant it just stopped transforming people. But all the inmates already were, so who cares?
Luckily for our brave heroes the cat apparently yanked the nail out of Shadows' chest without him noticing, and apparently without the nail his newly-created monster army of two dozen monsters decide to curbstomp him.

Mad slips the Nail of Nefario into her pocket and turns to check on Killjoy. She sees the witch detective fighting her arch-nemesis and quickly gaining the upper hand.

Will you ever explain why she is her arch-nemesis? I have no idea what her deal is, and her character is less developed than the fucking cat.

If you're expecting any kind of existing witch fight you're in for a disappointment. Killjoy just throws her watch at her, which causes her to plummet right in front of Maddy, who conveniently had those iron shackles ready. I can barely contain my excitement.

But oh noes, Shadows is still not dead. He has killed all the newly created monsters, and is pretty pissed about it.

"You want our blood? Then come and get it, douche bag!" Mad invites.

Killjoy is impressed by her bravado. "'Damn, Mad badass!"

"Thank you."

Shadows thinks attacking The Swordsman and an overpowered with with a foldable axe is a good idea. I wonder how this will go.
And it turns out the guy who can apparently regenerate from anything wasn't hiding some kind of messed-up wound/scar with his mask. It's just that this part is always stuck in human form.

"Now that's a twist M. Night Shyamalan wouldn't see coming!" Killjoy quips.

Shadows actually does pretty well in the fight, kicking Killjoy away and disarming Maddy - who then decides to stab herself with the Nail to start some purple lightning bolt fireworks. I'm not entirely sure what the bolt does in this constellation, but Killjoy's freaked out so it can't be good.
Luckily the cat just teleports itself and Killjoy out of harm's way. I don't even want to think where this teleport trick might've come in handy earlier.

Meanwhile, back in the main detention centre, all the dead slashers revert to their human form under the effects of the Nail.

Ah, so stabbing yourself with the Nail turns everyone into your species. Does this preserve your original melanin levels, or are some of the former black inmates now white ?

Shadows is now apparently permanently stuck in human form and begs for the sweet release of death. But Maddy doesn't want to avenge her dead dad, because:

I said I would kill Loopin Shadows, and I did. He's gone. I have no beef with Light Preston.He's just a rich douche bag that now has to live with the indignity of being human, Not to mention the humiliation of getting knocked out by a ninety-pound girl."

You do realize that's the same guy, right?
And that last part refers to her punching him in the face immediately afterwards. So stunning. So brave.

Mad shakes her hand, feeling the consequences "Ouch! Punching hurts!"

Women

Minvera gets away scot-free, which confuses her just as much as it does me.

'You`re letting me go?" the Grand Witch questions.

"We promise not to breathe a word of your involvement to the Holy Alliance," Killjoy negotiates, *as long as you swear not to align yourself with more extremists."

"We won't tell anyone that you tried to kill all humans if you promise to not try that again!"

I'm sure this will work out just fine.
And I still have no idea why she's Killjoy's arch-nemesis.

Shadows threatens to sue them when the cops arrive. Turns out the magically-hacked camera has recorded his little self-defense killing spree with everyone in human form.

"'Good morning, Mr. Preston. We received a rather disturbing anonymous tip claiming that you broke into this prison in the middle of the night and started slaughtering the inmates with an axe."

I'm not entirely sure why she'd know the inmates would turn on him and he'd have to kill them.
Or how she knew he carried an axe with him.
And did the footage also show the teleporting cat and the chick with the sword, or did was the camera tinkered with to just ignore them?
I better not think about it too hard.

"I was helping Mad look into the disappearance of her father. When I found evidence that Mr Preston might be involved, I followed him here and stumbled onto this horror show."

You better magic up some evidence, 'cause the murder weapon has been blown up and the victim never left a body.

And then the chapter just ends. Yay~

So yeah, it's mostly how I predicted it, but still underwhelming. The final boss battle had too much comic relief, and the evil witch never actually amounted to anything and you could easily cut her out. I guess he gets some points for Shadows ironic punishment?
Also didn't Shadows have an evil Chucky doll minion? Where was he?

Anyway. As predicted (by one of us, forget who

It was me, Dio Voice!

BTW His usual responses to these are "small peepee man." Just saw him in a tweet the other day defending "The Marvels" and he said this exact phrase.

It's his version of MovieBlob's "not a person". Apparently it's a thing for autistic manchildren to invent their own catchphrase insult, as a sort of magical incantation to drive away the evil troll spirits.

[pibbs]

FINAL FINAL CHAPTER!!! and EPILOGUE!!!!
Chapter 9: Another End and New Beginnings
The final chapter is four pages and the epilogue is one and a half. Why he didn't combine them? Because as demonstrated by this shitty book, peeRod is an inept dumbass.

SpoilerShow

The sun shines over Obscure City effectively hiding the city's sinister side. Even the cemetery seems inviting. as our heroes meet in the Mausoleum of Heroes to pay respects to the fallen Swordsman, Charles Chan. A new marble casket has been erected in his honour.

Mad lights some incense, and Killjoy and Hime offer a deep bow, out of respect.

"You know, I saw him in action once, a few decades ago,' Killjoy breaks the silence. "Never thought I'd be a part of his legend."

"Still feels weird to be taking on such a dangerous role,' Mad thinks aloud. "He was so overprotective; he would lose his mind any time he saw me riding my skateboard without a helmet."

"We are never who our parents expect us to be. My dad didn't want me to be a witch, and my mom didn't want me to be a detective, and somehow, I found a way to disappoint them both. Oh, anad speakingof disappointments... Are you sure you're not interested in being my assistant? I could use the extra muscle."

"Nah, you were right. I was never meant to be a sidekick. I'm going to try the lone-hero thing for a bit, or at least until I find my own Squire. Thanks for hijacking my dad's, by the way." Mad gestures toward Hime.

"Hey, I was protecting Hime. Naming him my familiar was the best way to get the Lycan Clan to leave him alone.

"'Fine, fine. Any word on Shadows I mean, Preston?"

"'Oh, he's going to be in jail for the rest of his natural life. I extended the glimmer cast over the city to the surveillance footage. So any human who looks at it only sees Light Preston killing inmates. No Loopin Shadows, no slashers, no witches..."

"... No Swordsman. Got it. Thank you for everything, Killjoy."

Mad offers her hand for a handshake. sIt was my pleasure, Mad." The two shake hands and go their separate ways. Hime jumps on Killjoy's shoulder, and they vanish into thin air.

Moments later, The Witch and her Familiar re-appear on the sidewalk adjacent to Killjoy Komics. The Paranormal Private Eye monologues to herself as they walk towards the building. All's well that ends well. A mystery solved a villain in jail, and Obscure City has a new Champion to protect it. Hopefully, I can take a little break from fighting monsters and...

Killjoy notices that her front door has been forced open. ...no rest for weary, I guess.

Killjoy draws her broom as Hime gets on guard. They enter the building slowly and cautiously. "Whoever you are, I'm impressed. Very few can override my protection spells."

She suddenly notices Dan The-Comic-Book-Man, frozen in place. She checks his pulse. She exhales with relief when she detects that he's alive. "Petrification spell again, impressed. So how about you stop impressing me and start introducing yourself."

An elegant, statuesque woman in black shades steps out of the shadows.

Killjoy is very surprised by the identity of the intruder.

"Icarus Lawren! What is the leader of the Silent Knights doing in my store? Did you hear about our excellent selection of back issues?"

"My apologies for the theatrics, Ms Killjoy," Lawren begins, "but I wanted to make sure to get your attention."

"I'm listening." About a dozen angels with swords appear around Lawren. I'm listening intently."

"The Holy Alliance would like to recruit you, officially," Lauren offers, "'Our new Swordsman might need your assistance, "

" All Mad has to do is ask. So what's with the formal visit?"

"She might not understand the gravity of the upcoming threat."

'Upcoming threat?"

sWe have reason to believe that we might see the return of The Original Seven."

Killjoy's eyes go wide, and her shoulders drop. Her broom slips out of her hand and hits the ground with a resounding thud.

"Merciful Malus!"

But wait... one last big TWIST!!!!!
EPILOGUE!!!!!!

An unsurprising twist that I predictated BTWShow

Night falls over Obscure, and the city reverts to its macabre state. More noticeably so at the Court of Darkness, where its six remaining members meet again.

Minerva Madrigal is escorted into the room by a couple of very large very intimidating guards. The rest of the court members sit around the table, looking rather displeased.

The vampire Callus begins the meeting. "T understand we will no longer need to worry about Mr. Shadows or any other Slashers making their way into our sacred circle.

"Yes, your majesty." Minerva answers. "Loopin Shadows is no longer a threat. I made sure to sabotage his plans at every turn.

"Oh, I love it when you're devious. Please tell us how did it?" Veil requests. .T'm dying to know how you fooled some disgusting Slasher."

The others nod in agreement.

"First, I tricked the fool into sparing Kassandra and Chan by making him believe they were somehow more valuable alive. I also talked him into bringing The Heavenly Blade to the penitentiary, where it would be well within Chan's reach. Then I provided Chan a means of escape by allowing her to keep the Rewinder device that was clearly in her pocket. Last but not least, my personal favourite, I redirected a plasma bolt that I fired at Chan to hit Shadow's unnecessarily dangerous gauntlet."

"And he still believed in your alliance?" Callus wonders.

Never doubted it for a moment."

"Well then, take your seat, Grand Witch."

Minerva does as instructed.

Professor Pretorius, however, remains dissatisfied. "Pardon my belligerence, Minerva, but Killjoy is still a threat. Look at how easily she uncovered Shadows scheme and positioned the Swordsman to eliminate him. If she ever were to turn her attention on us..."

"My dear Professor, you need not worry." Minerva reassured. T can personally guarantee that Kassandra Killjoy will never challenge this court. After all, I think I've proven that I am very good at manipulating my daughter."

THE END

Oh he leaves us with one final threat.

SpoilerShow

Kassandra Killjoy will return in "The Caskets of Chaos"


It's already written BTW. He tried to get his publisher to go ahead and publish it, but they said no, unless he gave them money. This shithead should just self-publish this garbage.

The end to a shitty, shitty book.

My final thought. This was the exact kind of half-assed, terribly written garbage I expected from peeRod. The fact he's weeping on camera how this is his dream fulfilled, and gloating and celebrating every small compliment thrown his way, makes it even sweeter, esp. since that scam of a publisher he found wants money upfront for the next book in the series.

I'm betting they took a gamble on him, thinking his YouTube "celebrity" would generate sales. They failed to do their homework and see, this fucker gets only about 1-2k views per video. Fuck them. They got what they deserved, especially since no effort in editing this garbage can be found.

Fuck this terrible book, and peeRod can die in a fire.

I did have fun sharing this with y'all. Hopefully me copy and pasting the entirety of the book will take a few dollars away from him. No one should spend their hard earned money on garbage like this.

Peace.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

It was a magical journey. I hope we'll never have to do this again

This book is a mess. Even if you know what's coming, you're not prepared for the inane execution.
If this is his lifelong dream project I'd hate to see him half-assing things. It's too short, rushed, nothing is ever fleshed out. Srsly what in the fuck makes Minerva an arch-nemesis? You don't drop such a detail without explanation. ERod might know what's up with her, but in this book she's just some random witch who I guess only exists as a setup for the next book that might never happen.

I'm also pretty sure he left every chapter in their first draft and never went back when he made changes to the plot. So you have random monster Killjoy's clowned on suddenly turning out to be master assassins or the leader of werewolves, or the stupid cat having comic relief teleport powers even though those would've been pretty handy during the opening chase scene.

I'm betting they took a gamble on him, thinking his YouTube "celebrity" would generate sales. They failed to do their homework and see, this fucker gets only about 1-2k views per video.

On to my inane ramblings:

So our heroes pay respect to The Former Swordsman's grave.

We are never who our parents expect us to be. My dad didn't want me to be a witch, and my mom didn't want me to be a detective, and somehow, I found a way to disappoint them both.

If he didn't want a witch daughter, why did he marry a witch? And how can she not become a witch in this case? Afaik witches in this setting are human-looking monsters with innate magic powers. They can't help themselves. Also your dad's ghost seemed pretty chill. Did that happen after you mailed his remains to the States?
And what was your mother's problem with you being a detective? What should she have done instead? What exactly do witches normally do?

Anyhow, Maddy decides to stop being Killjoy's sidekick (good luck with that) and leaves the cat in her care.

"Naming him my familiar was the best way to get the Lycan Clan to leave him alone."

They really hold grudges against random cats. Also shouldn't they be pissed off at you because you murdered one of them in cold blood and bullied their leader?

And Shadows is still in jail. Good to know the cops aren't completely incompetent.

"'Oh, he's going to be in jail for the rest of his natural life. I extended the glimmer cast over the city to the surveillance footage. So any human who looks at it only sees Light Preston killing inmates. No Loopin Shadows, no slashers, no witches..."

Wait, shouldn't the glamour do this already? You're telling me muggles could always see and recognize monsters if they're looking through a camera and video footage?
Also how hard is this to maintain? Why can you just make on-the-fly changes to such an integral spell?

Mad offers her hand for a handshake. sIt was my pleasure, Mad." The two shake hands and go their separate ways.

ERod would like to let you know that the hand was offered for a handshake, and did in fact lead to a shaking of hands.

Then Killjoy and cat teleport in front of her store (wouldn't it raise less eyebrows to just teleport into her office?). And then she starts monologuing. Or rather inner monologuing judging by the italics.

All's well that ends well. A mystery solved a villain in jail, and Obscure City has a new Champion to protect it. Hopefully, I can take a little break from fighting monsters and...

Old Man Chan could've told you about the mystery in the beginning if he felt like it. And the new champion is just the replacement for the one you've lost.

Her inner ramblings get interrupted when she notices the front door to the store has been busted open. Dan The-Man-With-No-Plan is petrified, but alive. Though I feel it should be paralyzed since he's not actually turned to stone.

Killjoy is very surprised by the identity of the intruder.

"Icarus Lawren! What is the leader of the Silent Knights doing in my store? Did you hear about our excellent selection of back issues?"

Turns out it's a character we've never heard before, from an organization we've also never heard before. What a great sequel hook.

"My apologies for the theatrics, Ms Killjoy," Lawren begins, "but I wanted to make sure to get your attention."

Apparently he was just messing with her door and Dan The-Frying-Pan for fun. What a nice guy.

The dude summons angels for no reason, and tells her the Holy Alliance - which the Silent Knights are apparently a part of? - want to recruit her services because The new Swordsman will need all the help she can get.

"We have reason to believe that we might see the return of The Original Seven."

This makes the sequel hook to the 1993 Super Mario movie look like Tolkien.

Epilogue time! The Bootleg Camarilla meet, and it turns out Minerva has been loyal all this time and just trolled Shadows!

"Loopin Shadows is no longer a threat. I made sure to sabotage his plans at every turn."

Your grand master plan hinged on him being for some reason okay with you randomily suggesting to bring the Master Sword with you for no reason.

But in case you're confused, Minerva obliges to explain her fiendish keikaku.

"First, I tricked the fool into sparing Kassandra and Chan by making him believe they were somehow more valuable alive. I also talked him into bringing The Heavenly Blade to the penitentiary, where it would be well within Chan's reach. Then I provided Chan a means of escape by allowing her to keep the Rewinder device that was clearly in her pocket. Last but not least, my personal favourite, I redirected a plasma bolt that I fired at Chan to hit Shadow's unnecessarily dangerous gauntlet."

Remember kids: It's not bad writing if you blame it on a character in your story!

And dammit, you were right.

"I can personally guarantee that Kassandra Killjoy will never challenge this court. After all, I think I've proven that I am very good at manipulating my daughter."

Man, she really took Killjoy wanting to become a detective personally.
I guess this explains why this book never actually said much about her mother?
Though I might yet be partially right if it turns out that "Minerva" is a disguise/fake identity and her real form does end up looking like an older Killjoy.

Kassandra Killjoy will return in "The Caskets of Chaos"

Yeah, sure.
Also pick better titles:

Kassandra Killjoy and the Caskets of Chaos
Kassandra Killjoy and the Case of the Caskets of Chaos
Kassandra Killjoy and the Case of the Living Sex Toy.

EDIT: There's a new review out on Amazon! It's another 5 star review of course, by someone with a non-accessible profile who is totally not a sock puppet, trying to debunk criticism of this book. From whom? Nobody read this except for us
(Srsly not even the Farms give enough of a shit about ERod to even be aware of this book)

SpoilerShow

>It's his FIRST TIME, guize
>He has DECADES of experience (in previous art forms)
Make up your mind.

>There is PASSION in this book
You sure you've read the same book as we did?

>He takes half the book to get good
Ever heard of a "first draft"?

And speaking of Amazon accounts, the one with the much shorter "fun humor and good plot" non-review has not reviewed anything besides this book

[Complicity]

I had fun shitting on Brad's book.
I stopped posting after the beginning of this trash because it was like listening to a mentally and physically disabled child on a wheelchair, who needs a software to communicate a la Stephen Hawking, trying to summarize an episode of She-Hulk Rekieta At Law - which is totally not lame, repetitive garbage for paint drinkers like Fast and Furious.
You can beat him up, but then you'll feel bad about it.

EDIT: There's a new review out on Amazon! It's another 5 star review of course, by someone with a non-accessible profile who is totally not a sock puppet, trying to debunk criticism of this book. From whom?

Us.
It's blatantly obvious that Peerod Jonathan Reed googled "Kassandra Kill Brain Cells" to see the waves that this bestseller was making, and all he could find was a thread on DHI.
Then Small Peepeerod Jonathan Davis lurked.
And finally Angry Joe's Funko Pop smeared with shit Reed Richards decided to set the record straight by leaving a stellar review underlining the passion and fun of this work, by capitalizing those words.
Then again, considering that Rachel and Depression Muse are real, maybe "Jonathan Reed" is a real fan of his retard.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I guess every IN has their Cuckson.
At least it feels good to be noticed uwu.

And speaking of goolging, one of the Top 5 results is the IMDB page for the actress of the - no doubt cult-classic - movie Zombie Women of Satan 2. Just the right thing you want to be associated with your brand-new YA multi-media franchise

[wulfenlord]

Not taking the chance for kasket of khaos

The time's are truly dark when functional retards help even bigger fanboy retards through them.

Also, #ReleaseTheLupaCut

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

It also helped me in considering rewriting stuff more my story featuring a cat chase
How much stamina do cats have, anyways?

[pibbs]

Another final thought:
I have reviewed books by Lindsay, Mike J, Brad, and now peeRod. Mike's was ok, Brad's was so bad it was fun (for the most part) and Lindsay's was insufferable and boring, but peRod is the only one who demonstrated a lack of basic writing skills, sentence structure, and story-telling. The others were, on a technical level, competent. However, pee's shitty book reads like a first draft. This was a book written by someone with less than average intelligence. I'm not joking, nor am I being unduly cruel. I surmise this based on what I read. I would put his IQ in the mid 80s to low 90s.

BTW I have vamp chick's book in the render que.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

I'll think I'll borrow a bit of autism from the esteemed RWBY fandom:

Fixing Killjoy

We know it's shit, so how do we make it better?

Now first up, either the the cat's teleportation will have to go, or the entire chase with the giant werewolf battle. I'm heavily leaning towards the latter, since the chase just doesn't make sense (teleportation would make it impossible to happen in the first place, and it serves no purpose in the story since the werewolves just randomly decided to chase a cat).

Dan The-Passing-Trans-Man and his store will have to go (unless we turn him into Linkara). He, his store and the magical toilet door serve no purpose aside from lame shtick that never amounts to anything.
Or we could have him killed by the mobster monsters to usher in the climax of the story.

If we want to lean into Noirshit, then her office will just be a room in some unspecified building complex, and the story starts with her hanging out there as her new client teleports in. Bonus points if we get a film-noir-style narration from Killjoy herself.

The cat will either have to get a less confusing name, or it should be written out as "Jaime". We might even add a bit about the odd Spanish stuff in here.
Also for God's sake, cool it with the catspeak.

"The name's spelled 'Jaime', but it's pronounced 'High-me'"
"I know. I'm Spanish myself."

The cat raised an eyebrow, at least as far as a cat is able to.

"You're ginger."
"And you're a talking cat."
"Point taken."