Kassandra Killjoy: Paranormal Private-Eye "The Search for the Swordsman" - A short story cosplaying as a novel by peeRod

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Behind the counter stands Killjoy's only employee

Wait, I thought this happened late at night when no souls were around to get shanked by the knife wind?
And how can this guy notice the door bell, but not the fight between his boss and the mecha-sized werewolves?

Customers stand around the store

Seriously, how late is it, and why did nobody hear the fight?

Believe it or not, Killjoy thinks, as she closes the door behind her, this isn 't the weirdest way I've ever stumbled upon a new case. She gives a wry smile. But that's another story.

You better not plan to release your epic tales out of chronological order like some kind of Light Novel hack writer who thinks he's extra smart.

What matters now is that this little creature bravely risked his life just to ask for my help

I'm pretty sure its life was already at risk because those furries wanted the USB stick. Or is that your way of saying you're living in a shitty neighborhood where no one is safe from being mauled to death by wandering werewolf encounters, in which case I'm really worried about your comic book customers.

"You got it, Boss. What's up with Veil and the Howling Commandos, anyway?"

Oh, so he did notice, but didn't care? Does this happen a lot?

Killjoy rolls her eyes while turning around, and slams the bathroom door shut. Turning the knob in the opposite direction, she reopens it. When the door opens, the room beyond the door is no longer a bathroom, but an office.

You know, if you want to magically seal away your occult detective office, you should've probably picked a door that is not frequented by your customers (aka random strangers) all the time. Like an inconspicuous door in the basement or wherever the fuck you store comics. Or better yet, a door in your normal comic book store office.
By her insistence on proper bathroom door etiquette I'm suspecting she would be trapped inside her office if someone leaves the door open. If it's so important why not use a door that closes automatically? You don't even need magic for that.
And if this office has at least one window the whole secret entrance thing is a bit superfluous, don't ya think?
Also, do your customers know that the door occasionally leads somewhere else when you are using it, or do you have to wait until no one's looking?

The lamp emanates a green light

Why green light? Is this some novelty/part lamp or something? That can't be good Feng Shui.

“It's the cleaning gnome's day off."

Well, at least he's not enslaved like those damn house elves.

"That's okay, lady. Maybe you give me some tunas for my mouff?" Hime abruptly requests.

Why is this abrupt? This pussy has been asking for tuna ever since it started talking.

"Now, Iet's see if we can get some much needed exposition.”

What are you? She-Hulk?

The USB drive, surprisingly, has only one file: a video

Why is that a surprise? Are there file standards in place for secret USB drive messages?
If anything it's more surprising that the data is not encrypted with say a password ("tuna"?).

portly man of Chinese descent

Why "Chinese" and not "Asian"? What is it about this video that lets you pinpoint the guy's precise ethnicity?
Is he dressed like a Jiangshi?
Is there a picture of Mao and/or Winnie the Pooh in the background?
Does he speak with an accent containing inflections he could've only gotten from a dialect in southwest China?
Does his face bear the faded scars of a burning mark used by an infamous cadre of Red Guards during the Cultural Revolution?

My name is Charles Chan. While I can't reveal my profession to you

She could probably do the research herself if you were dumb enough to use your real name.

Ms Killjoy, I can't reveal to you why, but if I'm gone, my daughter is in grave danger.

"You have to do [thing] for me, but I'm not gonna explain why ('cause that would spoil dramatic reveals later down the line)!"
This is about Uyghur slave workers, isn't it? Either way shady af.

The jet-black hair piled on top of Madeline's head accents her black, goth-like clothing perfectly.

Boy, I sure wonder if this 700+-year-old half-hag will start grooming the underage asian goth chick

I'm counting on you to not only keep her safe, but to gently usher her into it as well.

So she has to protect your brad and take over parental duties you couldn't be arsed to do yourself?
How secret is this whole urban fantasy aspect of this setting anyways, when nobody in this neighborhood cares about the redhead with the broom fighting Zakus in fursuits on the regular?

With that, the video abruptly ends

Videos end when their runtime is over. Shocking.
I don't think ERod really knows how to use "abruptly".

Well, Hime, your boss paid in advance, so I have no choice but to take the case.

Why? Dude's probably dead, he has already paid you, and there is not a single trace of a written contract to be found. For all legal intends and purposes this is just a present from him. Maybe part of some kind of money laundering scheme.
And if you're worried about potential revenge, if he's strong enough to beat you in a wizard duel he probably wouldn't have had to hire you to begin with.

all going about their day completely unaware that if an angel fell or a demon rose, they would probably land on the concrete on which they are now walking.

Is this that much weirder than having your car smashed by giant wolfmen?

Subject: Madeline Xia Chan. Average student, excellent skateboarder, stubborn daughter.

Coming soon: Maddy Chan's Goth Skater.
Any other radical quirks about her? Does she like anime? I bet she does. Probably does fanart as well.

As far as where he goes on these alleged business trips, it is still a mystery. but I feel that discovering this will help shed light on his sudden disappearance and the alleged danger in which Madeline might find herself.

One could say that trying to find out WTF is actually going on here would be very useful.

Back inside the apartment, Madeline puts on a black t-shirt with the American Sign Language symbol for “I love you” on the front.

So I actually looked up this sign (because the book itself doesn't explain what I'm looking at) and it's basically just the sign of the horns with an extended thumb. Maybe she just picked it because it looked "satanic" aka "gothy". Or she really likes Ultraman Zero. He does that sign every now and then.

Urutoraman ZeroShow

She can stay a safe distance yet be aware of everything going on, and everything said.

Is there a reason why she doesn't just go up to her and go "Hi Maddy. Your dad hired me as your personal bodyguard! Also magic is real!"? She can't honestly expect to protect her from house-sized monsters without her noticing.

Madeline glances back at him with a distrustful glare. "Yeah, right."

ACAB, my sister. ACAB.

Ray Harryhausen High School

Oh fuck off. Harryhausen doesn't deserve to be in this.

Established 1862

Oh, so it must be a different Ray Harryhausen. My bad.

Killjoy ravenously takes a bite out of her sandwich but quickly spits it out. "Merciful Malus! I said no pickles!

In her defense I'm not sure if pickles were a thing in European cuisine when she was born.

"Wait a minute. That's no soccer-mom van."

It's nice that shady people always drive in shady cars.

Hectate = a witch goddess. Remember this for a little later...

Don't Wiccans lump every female deity they care about together, all being just another aspect of "The Goddess (tm)"?
Sounds lame af considering the alternative is an all-star / ensemble cast pantheon.

How does she know ANY of this shit? How do you know she's an average student, excellent skateboarder, or is stubborn? And what public records? There's no mention of Killjoy going to the library, city hall, or even googling on the PC on her desk? I ask again, how the fuck does she know any of this shit?!

More importantly: How does she know about her student scores before even knowing which school she's attending?

This isn't confronting, you fucking retard, this is greeting.

He probably read about how you should mix up your verbs to keep things fresh.

Also, did you forget, your little Killjoy has a witch goddess, you fucking hypocrite?

Now you see, Hecate is the real deal.

Nice going with the racism there, Rodriguez. We just established that her father is of chinese descent, making her a second generation immigrant, i.e. AMERICAN. And those faggot SJW try to argue moral anything. Also its news to me that freckles are tied to virginity and/or youth. Also, freckles on a chinese

He had to specify that she's Sino-American so we can rest assured that she's not some pasty *white* goth chick. Like PUR.

[pibbs]

Chapter 3 It's a Mad, Mad... Madeline

Ugh. These fucking chapter titles.

BTW I forgot to criticize something... NOVELS ARE SUPPOSSED TO BE WRITTEN IN PAST TENSE, YOU WALNUT!

The Cat, the Witch, and the BORING!Show

Detective Lankaster sits at his desk, cluttered with folders packed with active investigations. Tired eyes settle their gaze on one of the open files before him as he takes out a handkerchief from his top pocket and quickly wipes the day's smudges from his glasses. He lets out an exhausted sigh before returning his glasses to the base of his nose.

For every case he can finally put in the 'closed' pile, it feels that three more new cases are there to take their place. His attention focuses on the case file in front of him, when Madeline Chan slings open his door and makes a bee-line up to his desk.

"No, Ms Chan. I have no new leads on your father's case. Rest assured, if and when I find out anything, I will call you."

"Actually, I'm here to tell you to stop looking," Madeline said, matter-of-factly.

Taken aback, Lankaster's eyes rise to meet hers. "Excuse me?`"

"Well, obviously, you don't give a crap about my dad. So don't bother."

"Madeline, please. It's not that I don't care. You're not my only case; I have others that require my attention Families that need our help as much as you do," he tries to reason.

Unfazed, Madeline puts her hand down on the desk slowly lowering herself so she can look directly into his face. "'Good news then, now you have one less family to worry about." With that, she turns on her heels and storms out of the police station before allowing the detective to respond.

Once outside, Madeline pulls her skateboard out of her backpack, taking in a deep breath in a desperate attempt to hold back the stinging bite of her tears she refuses to let fall. She puts her skateboard down, about to propel herself forward, when she hears a woman's voice behind her.

"Hey, kid. Y ou need help finding your old man?"

"Madeline turns her head, seeing the owner of the voice, a woman dressed in a black business suit, leaning against the wall of the police station. Nothing about her appearance seems out of the ordinary. Madeline turns the rest of her body to face her with curiosity and confusion behind her eyes. "Excuse me?"

The strange woman reaches in her coat to pull out what looks like a business card, handing it to Madeline. ""My name's Kassandra Killjoy, Private Eye."

Madeline, still confused, takes the card. "How did you know about-?"

"Your missing-person case?" Killjoy interrupts. "Sergeant Calhoun gave me the details earlier today. Part of a long-standing tradition of cops and private eyes scratching each other's backs," Killjoy replies with a smile.

I'll take all the help I can get, but I... I can't pay you anything.

"Don't worry about that right now. We can figure that out later. First, I suggest we go somewhere quiet, where we can talk.''

Still in a bit of a confused-like shock, Madeline nods. She opens her mouth to suggest a location when she notices a cat standing next to Killjoy. It's Hime.

"Wait! What are you doing with my dad's cat?" Taken aback, Killjoy attempts to cover her tracks.

"This cat? No, no, no -I've had him for years."

"Oh, really?" Madeline crosses her arms while eyeing Killjoy suspiciously. "Then what's his name?"

Killjoy pauses momentarily, "Keanu?"

The hesitation of Killjoy's answer was all Madeline needed to hear. She starts to walk away.

"Stay away from me, lady!" Madeline yells out.

Taking a step towards her, Killjoy reached her hand in reassurance, "Madeline, please, I --" she stops notices two female officers heading their way with determination and purpose4. They must have heard Madeline shouting.

"Is there a problem here, miss?" the first officer asks.

Yeah! This crazy lady is stalking me, and she stole my dad's cat!"

"This is just a misunderstanding " Killjoy tries to explain, to no avail.

"Ma'am, I will have to ask you to step back," the second officer instructs, as she turns to her partner. "Get the minor out of here.' The second officer guides Madeline down an alley next to the building as the other officer continues to block Killjoy's path. "Ma` am, I'm not going to ask you twice," the first officer sternly commands, pulling a pair of handcuffs from her belt. As she does this, Killjoy notices the same SX symbol she had seen on the hood of the black car tattooed on the officer's wrist.

"Son of a--" Killjoy proclaims in annoyance as she pulls her broom out of her coat and holds it over her head. The broom takes flight over the officer's head, pulling Killjoy along.

In the alley, the other officer has Madeline by her shoulder more forcibly than one would expect expect from a public servant of the law.

"Im sorry, but where are you taking me?" Madeline demands.

"Back to our master," the officer states, as she guides the young girl towards the end of the alley, just as the black car with the SX symbol on the hood pulls up to meet them.

Realizing the danger, Madeline becomes scared and tries to break herself free, but the imposter officer is too strong.

"Not so fast, Cagney!" Killjoy lands in front of them. Killjoy is no longer wearing her business suit and now sports her usual attire.

" What the hell are you?' Madeline's heart is beating so hard that it nearly drowns out her own words.

"You're in luck, kid,' Killjoy gives a wink. "Im a Witch with enough mystic force at my command to easily dispatch a couple of rent-a-cops.' She looks at the imposter. "So, let Madeline go, or I'm going to-"

Suddenly, the other imposter officer sneaks up behind Killjoy, spins her around, and snaps a pair of handcuffs on her.

"Damn - forgot about Lacey," Killjoy quips.

"Stay out of our way, half-witch," the second imposter warns.

"Handcuffs? Really? A Witch can easily escape any bonds!"

The imposter smiles. "Not if they're made of iron." Killjoy looks down at the handcuffs with concern and tries to pull them apart without success. "Oh, iron... yeah, that... that sucks." The imposter kicks Killjoy into the wall, which cracks the concrete as she tumbles down like a rag doll. "Man! I've forgotten how much pain hurts."

The imposter that took Madeline down the alley tries to put her in the back of the black car, but Madeline sprays her eyes with a can of pepper spray she had hanging from her key chain. The imposter screams in pain as she loosens her grip, and Madeline attempts to run away.

Before she can get too far, the second imposter blocks her path. Madeline holds up her skateboard and gets in position to take a swing at her attacker when, suddenly, the imposter begins to morph into her proper form. A horrified Madeline watches, disbelievingly, as the imposter's skin turns pale and grey, and her face becomes old and scarred. She holds a pair of sickle blades in her hands. Madeline quickly turns her head to see that the other imposter is also similar in appearance; both with scarred faces, grey skin, withered hair, and demonic glowing eyes.

"What the hell are you people?" Madeline demands.

"People? We are not people. We are Rip-"

"And Torn. "

'And we will take you back to our master in peace ... "
"...or in pieces."

"It's up to you."

The two grotesque women begin to close in on Madeline as they brandish their blades.

Madeline turns to see Killjoy, still on the ground and struggling with the handcuffs. Help me, please!" she begs.

"I would love to, kid, Killjoy says apologetically "`but iron makes me pretty useless."

Suddenly, Hime lands in front of Killjoy and Madeline and hisses menacingly at the two approaching creatures. "Hey deh Ugly Tings, these are my Persons. They belong to me."

"Did my Dad's cat just talk?" Madeline asked in complete shock.

"It's getting him to shut up; that would be truly amazing." Killjoy answers as she continues to try and free herself from the handcuffs.

Rip and Torn close in on Hime.

"What is this?" Rip asks in amusement

"An appetizer," Torn replies. "'Before the main course?"

At this, Madeline addresses Killjoy desperately "Lady, please do something! Anything! These things are going to eat my dad's cat!"

Killjoy hurriedly works on the handcuffs. "Tm.. trying!"

Hime suddenly vanishes, which causes everyone to freeze in shock. Then, without warning, Hime reappears on Torn's shoulder. "'Hey, lady."

Rip sees Hime and tries to punch him, but he disappears, and she punches her sister instead. Torn crumbles to the ground holding her face.

"You gots any Tunas over deh? Hime says from behind Rip.

Rip turns to see the feline perched on some wooden pallets. She leaps at Hime, but he disappears, and she flies headfirst into a garbage can.

Madeline and Killjoy watch in complete astonishment.

"My dad's cat can talk and teleport?" Madeline give Killjoy a shocked glance.

"I'm just as surprised as you, kid." Killjoy reaches into her hair as she says this, pulls out a hairpin. and begins to pick the lock on the handcuffs.

Rip emerges from the trash can, brushes some garbage off herself, and begins heading towards Madeline and Killjoy, steadily and rapidly

"Lady! Lady!" Madeline exclaims in a panic. "She- monster is coming our way!"

"Okay, first: never panic. Panicking gets you dead, and secondly..." Killjoy undoes one of her bonds, and she quickly stabs Rip in the neck with the open cuff, "my name is Killjoy."

Torn notices that her sister is wounded, and she quickly pulls herself away from her fruitless attempts to catch or hit Hime. She grabs Rip and leads her out of the alley towards the black car. Killjoy finishes unlocking the handcuffs, and she tosses them to the side. Once free of the iron bonds, her hands again flow with magical energy

"All right. You want to fight dirty, then dirty we shall fight." Killjoy makes her broom take off from the ground with a quick gesture and it lands in her hand. She points the broom at the two fleeing monsters, and just as she is about to fire, loud gunshots echo through the alley. Madeline and Killjoy duck for cover, and Hime dives behind a dumpster. Madeline and Killjoy turn to see Sergeant Calhoun firing his sidearm at Rip and Torn. The terrifying twins get hit by the bullets a few times, but they keep moving and are completely unfazed by their wounds They quickly jump in the car and take off.

Calhoun stands frozen with the smoking gun still in his hands. "What the hell were those things?"

"Just a couple of Slashers, Cal. Nothing to worry about." Killjoy smiles at the sergeant.

"Damn it, Killjoy! Everywhere you go, weird shit follows." He lets out an exasperated sigh as he puts his sidearm in its holster.

"Eh, it's a living." Killjoy turns to address Madeline, but she is halfway down the alley on her skateboard. "Merciful Malus!" Killjoy tosses her pocket watch at Madeline. The chain stretches far beyond its standard length, wraps itself around Madeline, and yanks her back. Madeline lands with a thud, right in front of Killjoy while her skateboard continues rolling down the alley until it crashes into a chain-linked fence.

Killjoy stands over Madeline. "Look, kid - your dad hired me to protect you. So, you have a choice: you either stick with me and live, or you take off on your own and wait until the next creepy thing pulls you into an alley. So, what's it going to be?"

Later that afternoon, in the Chan's apartment building, Killjoy walks leisurely down the hallway while dragging a non-compliant Madeline behind her. The teen floats through the air inside a green bubble with her arms crossed and bearing an annoyed look on her face. Hime follows them, dragging Madeline's skateboard and backpack along.

While facing forward, Madeline addresses Killjoy in a loud tone. " You know, for someone who is supposed to be my protector, you're certainly acting like a kidnapper!"

"Scream all you want, kid. No one can hear you right now, but me. I'm lucky that way."

"I still think you're overreacting. So, a couple of freaks jumped me in an ally. It doesn't mean there's some kind of conspiracy against me and-" Madeline notices that the door to her apartment has been broken open.

"You were saying?" Killjoy asks snidely.

They enter the apartment with caution to find the place in complete disarray. Items and papers are strewn about, drawers left open. The area does not look as though it has been robbed, but rather, someone was looking for something specific. Killjoy carelessly pops the green bubble, drops Madeline on the living room couch, and begins looking the place over with her magnifying glass.

"Why would someone do this to our apartment?" Madeline asks.

"How can you tell the difference?" Killjoy replies mockingly.

"How do you know what the apartment looked like before?"

"I had you under surveillance for the past two days." Madeline stares at Killjoy in complete shock. "Not in a weird way. I just bugged your apartment and watched you sleep."

Madeline's expression changes from shocked to concerned. "Yeah, totally not in a weird way at all"

Madeline shrugs off her concern with a raised tone. "All right. Fine, crazy witch lady. Could you at least tell me what the hell is going on with my dad?"

"Killjoy."

""What?"

"My name is Killjoy, Madeline. Madeline? Ma-the- line. Ma- man, that is a mouthful. Do you mind if I call you Mad?"

"Yes, I do mind," she replies, intensely annoyed

"All right, Mad - so your dad sent me a message via your chatty kitty, and he mysteriously claimed that you were in imminent danger. Judging by the fact that a couple of Slashers jumped you, your dad seriously undersold the level of danger that you are in."

"But what could these... Slashers' want with me, and my dad? We're nobodies."

"You have something they want."

"What makes you say that?"

"Really? Your ransacked apartment is not enough of a clue?"

"Yeah. But what do they want?"

"Beats me."

"Pffft, great detective you are."

Killjoy is taken aback by Mad's snarky remark. "Really? You want to do this?" Before Mad can respond. Kiljloy begins deducing at lightning speed. "The clean break through the four locks on your front door tells me that your intruder has supernatural strength. The crack at the top of the doorframe where he hit his head tells me he is over seven feet tall. The single pair of eighteen-inch footprints stood in this very spot for ten minutes reading the comic strips in your newspaper, all the while he was supposed to be searching your place, tells me he is not very bright." Mad looks at Killjoy with an impressed look on her face. "Do you want me to keep going?"

"All right, all right. I get it. Calm down, Cumberbatch." Mad looks at her broken front door and thinks for a moment. "So, let me get this straight. Monsters and witches... Those things are real?"

"As real as you and me."

"And my dad has something to do with them?"

"Yeah, but don't worry, Mad. I'll figure it out. It's what I do." Killjoy notices the intruder's massive footprints headed into a room down the hallway. "What's in there?"

"Just my dad's office.' Mad and Killjoy enter the office area to find that it has also been searched. Killjoy immediately begins to go through Charles' desk.

"Killjoy, I don't think you'll find anything here. My dad's just a boring old accountant." As she says this, Killjoy presses a secret switch hidden in Charles' desk.

Secret panels slide open in the walls, revealing all matter of supernatural paraphernalia. Mad looks at the contents of these hidden compartments with her mouth agape.

Killjoy gazes at her with a sly smile. "You were saying..?"

Suddenly, something catches Killjoy's eye. She quickly walks across the room to a compartment full of medieval weaponry. A metal emblem is displayed in the middle of the weapons, and it has a code of arms painted on the front of it. Killjoy walks up to it in absolute astonishment, takes the emblem from the display and brings it close to her face to inspect it properly.

"Holy Hecate!" Killjoy breathlessly exclaims.

"What? Is my dad into larping?"

"No, Mad. Your dad is The Squire!"

"The what?"

"The Squire." Mad stares at her, wide-eyed and clueless."The assistant and faithful companion to The Swordsman."

Killjoy, can you please pretend for a minute that I don't know anything about all this hocus-pocus mumbo- jumbo and just explain things to me?"

"Ah jeez, where do I begin?" Killjoy grabs a lamp from Charles' desk and puts it on the floor in the middle of the room. She casts a spell on it, and to Mad's amazement, the lamp begins projecting shadows onto the ceiling that coincide with the story that Killjoy starts to tell.

[pibbs]

"Actually, I'm here to tell you to stop looking," Madeline said, matter-of-factly.

Notice how adverb crazy he gets trying to convey emotion. It's amateurish writing, mainly because he uses the wrong adverb for what he's trying to say.

"Actually, I'm here to tell you to stop looking," Madeline said, matter-of-factly.
Taken aback, Lankaster's eyes rise to meet hers. "Excuse me?`"

Notice the verb tense change? Novels are supposed to be written in past tense. peeRod mostly writes in present tense. He would know this if he bothered to do any study on writing. And how did NO ONE including an editor not catch this?

"Back to our master," the officer states,

This is a common mistake of new writers. They fell "said" is too generic, so they try to use other words, but we've had "said" as a way of writing dialog for hundreds of years now, and most people don't even notice it, as intended. It's a filler word that everyone is used to skimming past. So, when a book is filled with "new ways to say 'said'" it's jarring and slows the reader.


In reference to two female cops...

"Not so fast, Cagney!"

"Damn - forgot about Lacey," Killjoy quips.

Yeah, this is a 80s reference the zoomers will get. Reminder: peeRod is in his 40s.

Killjoy gives a wink. "Im a Witch with enough mystic force at my command to easily dispatch a couple of rent-a-cops.'

I can hear peeRod fapping in this sentence.

"Stay out of our way, half-witch," the second imposter warns.

Fucking mudblood!

"Handcuffs? Really? A Witch can easily escape any bonds!"

The imposter smiles. "Not if they're made of iron." Killjoy looks down at the handcuffs with concern and tries to pull them apart without success. "Oh, iron... yeah, that... that sucks."

I really don't want to give him credit here. Going with old school witch lore. Kudos, I guess.

The imposter kicks Killjoy into the wall, which cracks the concrete as she tumbles down like a rag doll. "Man! I've forgotten how much pain hurts."

Iron bonds take away magic... but she's not killed or even injured being kicked so hard into a wall it cracks the concrete?

the imposter begins to morph into her proper form. A horrified Madeline watches, disbelievingly, as the imposter's skin turns pale and grey, and her face becomes old and scarred. She holds a pair of sickle blades in her hands.

I knew there would be a Lupa cameo!

"What the hell are you people?" Madeline demands.

"People? We are not people. We are Rip-"

"And Torn."

Fucking hell, Pee.

"You gots any Tunas over deh? Hime says from behind Rip.

So, this lame shit is going to be the cat's catchphrase then??

she quickly stabs Rip in the neck with the open cuff

What? This is so stupid.

"Damn it, Killjoy! Everywhere you go, weird shit follows." He lets out an exasperated sigh as he puts his sidearm in its holster.

"Eh, it's a living."

Freeze frame. Cue the closing credits music.

Later that afternoon, in the Chan's apartment building, Killjoy walks leisurely down the hallway while dragging a non-compliant Madeline behind her. The teen floats through the air inside a green bubble with her arms crossed and bearing an annoyed look on her face. Hime follows them, dragging Madeline's skateboard and backpack along.

Porn is about to happen.

"I had you under surveillance for the past two days." Madeline stares at Killjoy in complete shock. "Not in a weird way. I just bugged your apartment and watched you sleep."

Madeline's expression changes from shocked to concerned. "Yeah, totally not in a weird way at all"

Laugh track.

"My name is Killjoy, Madeline. Madeline? Ma-the- line. Ma- man, that is a mouthful. Do you mind if I call you Mad?"

What the fuck? This is so fucking retarded.

peeRod can't decide what genre he wants to steal from the most so now we get a Sherlock montage.

Kiljloy begins deducing at lightning speed. "The clean break through the four locks on your front door tells me that your intruder has supernatural strength. The crack at the top of the doorframe where he hit his head tells me he is over seven feet tall. The single pair of eighteen-inch footprints stood in this very spot for ten minutes reading the comic strips in your newspaper, all the while he was supposed to be searching your place, tells me he is not very bright." Mad looks at Killjoy with an impressed look on her face. "Do you want me to keep going?"

"All right, all right. I get it. Calm down, Cumberbatch."

STFU, peeRod. Just because you acknowledge the plagiarism, doesn't make it ok.
Fuck this stupid book. That's my catchphrase, pee. Just for you.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Notice how adverb crazy he gets trying to convey emotion. It's amateurish writing, mainly because he uses the wrong adverb for what he's trying to say.

Like say "abruptly".
Or whatever the fuck "face her with curiosity and confusion behind her eyes" is.

Notice the verb tense change? Novels are supposed to be written in past tense. peeRod mostly writes in present tense. He would know this if he bothered to do any study on writing. And how did NO ONE including an editor not catch this?

What's even weirder is how the chapter starts from the cop's perspective, for no reason other than to do some exposition about how much work he has.
Then as soon as the Goth Chink shows up the "camera" starts following her.

This is a common mistake of new writers. They fell "said" is too generic, so they try to use other words, but we've had "said" as a way of writing dialog for hundreds of years now, and most people don't even notice it, as intended. It's a filler word that everyone is used to skimming past. So, when a book is filled with "new ways to say 'said'" it's jarring and slows the reader.

Using different verbs can be useful to highlight the intensity of what is spoken. A "Shut up" has more punch to it if it is "barked" or "shouted".
"Stating" something however is a bit weird, outside of maybe a class or court room.

I really don't want to give him credit here. Going with old school witch lore. Kudos, I guess.

Though I can't help but feel that she should be at least instinctively worried, since cuffs/shackles not being made out of some kind of iron alloy is a relatively recent development for her.
Now the main issue is this:

Suddenly, the other imposter officer sneaks up behind Killjoy, spins her around, and snaps a pair of handcuffs on her.

Now why was she spun around like some kind of cartoon character? Why would this Lupakin do that? Freeing herself via lockpicking would've been a lot harder if her hands were tied behind her back, as would've been more natural in this kind of surprise handcuffing.

Iron bonds take away magic... but she's not killed or even injured being kicked so hard into a wall it cracks the concrete?

I guess the building materials used throughout Occult City (or whatever it's called again) are as good as this book.

What the fuck? This is so fucking retarded.

Srsly, why "Mad" when "Maddy" is readily available? This is just dumb for the sake of being dumb.

Now onto my own observations:

To summarize most of this chapter: WTF is Killjoy's problem? WTF were ERod's main inspirations for the character? She's a snarky, passive-aggressive bitch who left such a "good" first impression on the other main character that she had to kidnap her in order to cooperate. She's not usually the kind of private eye that interacts with other people a lot, is she? Or does she think magic is a good substitute for having a personality?
And WTF is up with her secrecy? "Protect my daughter and ease her into this urban fantasy setting" sounds pretty straightforward, but for some reason she decided to stalk her for several days and then reveal herself as a detective (wearing a different outfit for some reason) - but without revealing her mission. Instead she tries to get hired by the other member of the Chan family in order to double dip on their fortune or something?
And then of course she had to spill the beans because it turns out there was a reason why she had to be hired as a bodyguard.

"Actually, I'm here to tell you to stop looking," Madeline said, matter-of-factly.

Nice adverb there. And I'm not an expert on police procedures, but if the relative of a missing person would tell me to stop looking for the person because I suck at my job, I would probably put this relative pretty high on my list of suspects.

"This cat? No, no, no -I've had him for years."

>be Private detective with Sherlockian intellect
>be surprised that the daughter of your client recognizes the cat that was used by your client as a messenger

"My dad's cat can talk and teleport?" Madeline give Killjoy a shocked glance.

Teleporting does sound pretty useful for when you're chased by a group of werewolves. Maybe its magical abilities are powered by tuna?

"Damn it, Killjoy! Everywhere you go, weird shit follows." He lets out an exasperated sigh as he puts his sidearm in its holster.

So it's safe to assume the cops know about this supernatural shit? Which makes it highly likely the other proper authorities know it as well. How exactly are normies kept in the dark, and why? You could probably prevent a lot of pointless murders if you told people to keep silver around when going outside.

Merciful Malus

I'm pretty sure that's not a deity of any kind. At least I couldn't find anything.

The area does not look as though it has been robbed, but rather, someone was looking for something specific

Care to explain? Do you spot valuables that a simple thief would've never left behind?

"Pffft, great detective you are."

Killjoy is taken aback by Mad's snarky remark

Can't handle a taste of your own medicine, eh?

The clean break through the four locks on your front door tells me that your intruder has supernatural strength.

I'm pretty sure the door would've given up long before the locks. The way you describe it makes me think of mono-blades or something.

Secret panels slide open in the walls, revealing all matter of supernatural paraphernalia. Mad looks at the contents of these hidden compartments with her mouth agape.

Good to know that Maddy is shocked and amazed by these wonderful "supernatural paraphernalia".
A shame we have no idea what those actually look like.

"The Squire." Mad stares at her, wide-eyed and clueless."The assistant and faithful companion to The Swordsman."

If his sidekick is called "The Squire", shouldn't he be "The Knight"?
Also this is starting to sound more like capeshit than urban fantasy.

[pibbs]

I think he uses the nickname "Mad" because he got tired of typing out Madeline. Which is doubly retarded since he named the stupid character.

[McGinnis]

Shows he's amateur hour because if he used something like Final Draft, or some other screenwriting software, and not Word, it remembers your character names and locations so you don't have to keep typing them

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

Prediction time: Instead of giving Maddy a general overview about the awesomeness of The Swordman, Killjoy will spend most of the next chapter fawning over the guy in boring detail, such is his sheer badassery.
Also 10bux he's ERod's self-insert with a magic sword instead of a magic hammer.

And is there any reason why Shin Chan couldn't add a "... oh, also I'm The Squire" in his video? If he was afraid the USB stick could be intercepted he shouldn't have just randomly transfered all that money on her bank account.

[pibbs]

Chapter 4: The History of The Swordsman, His Squire, and The Night Dwellers

We are halfway through this shit!
I have not read ahead. I review as I read it. My question is, will this mysterious swordsman turn out to be a Mary Sue of peeRod's fantasy? Or will it be a self-insert how he sees himself?

THE LORE! THE LORE!!Show

The shadows projecting on the ceiling unfold the story visibly as Killjoy speaks.

""Contrary to popular belief, this ... realm is a lot older than we know, and humans were not its first inhabitants; demons were. For a millennia, monsters ruled the Earth, and humans were nothing more than their pets and cattle. That was until humanity discovered how to harness magic." Shadows of Celtic Druids are seen summoning magic forces at Stonehenge.

"Suddenly, humanity had a legitimate chance to fight their demonic overlords and become the dominant race. The conflict raged on for decades. And then, sometime between the seventh and fifteenth century, Merlin Ambrosius, the greatest sorcerer of them all, assembled the seven most powerful Sorcerers on the planet. They forged the Heavenly Blade with their combined might: a weapon made of pure holy light and capable of slaying even the most powerful of demons. The blade was then bestowed upon one worthy human warrior known only as The Swordsman.

And thus, with our champion in place, humanity won the war. Most demons were either slain, vanished to the dark realms, or permanently cursed to never step into the sunlight again and only walk the Earth at night, Hence, we refer to the inhuman beings that remained on Earth as Night Dwellers." The shadows of significantly, menacing demons change into more familiar paranormal beings, such as vampires, werewolves, and zombies, on the ceiling.

"To this day, The Swordsman has remained the champion of man; the one that maintains the peace between Humanity and the Night Dwellers. When one Swordsman dies, another worthy warrior takes up the sword and continues his work." The shadow of the Swordsman fades and leaves his sword behind, and a second shadow figure picks up the sword.

"Okay, I dig the epic Peter Jackson prologue," Mad interrupts. "And that thing with the shadows is cool and all, but what does any of this have to do with my dad?"

Killjoy holds up the emblem with the code of arms. "For as long as there has been The Swordsman, there has been The Squire, a pure-hearted faithful companion who stands by humanity's champion, no matter what. This emblem is the code of arms of The Squire. Your dad is honour-bound to serve The Swordsman until the end of his days."

"So, my dad is some Medieval dude's sidekick?"

"Yeah, basically. The good news is that we now have a lead, If we find The Swordsman, we find your dad-"

Killjoy is interrupted by a sudden crash. She sees that Mad has knocked over the display with all of the medieval monster-fighting, weapons.

"Why didn't he tell me? Why did he hide all of this from me?" Mad demands.

"Mad, he wanted you to have a normal life without monsters.'" Killjoy explains. "'I mean, can you blame him?"

"T'm going to kill him!"

"What?"

"This Swordsman guy. If something happened to my dad because of him, I swear I'1l kill him."

"Okay, fine. We'1l kill humanity's only hope against the forces of evil." Killjoy responds, sarcastically. "But we have to find him first."

"How?"

"'Easy - all we need to do is figure out what was the last case your dad was working on with The Swordsman before he disappeared. Should be simple enough."

"Right, and we do that how, exactly?"

"We rewind the room."

Madeline stares at her blankly. "You know what, I'm not even going to ask. Just do it, and I'll save my questions for later."

Killjoy stands in the middle of the room and pulls a tiny digital recorder out of her coat pocket.

"Tempo Reversa!"

As she says this, she presses the rewind button on the digital recorder; the displayed numbers on the recorder start to count down to zero at a rapid pace, and to Mad's astonishment, the room quickly changes back to its state before the intruder searched it. Broken items fix themselves, office supplies littering the floor roll back onto tables and their previous location. Soon, the room looks as though it had never been searched.

"Did... did we just time travel?" she asks, in amazement.

"Nah, I just hit a reset button on this room to an hour ago. We are still in the same time. A convenient trick if you knock over someone's wedding cake." She holds up the device. "Just a little something I cooked up. I call it The Rewinder."

"Can you time travel?"

"Focus, Mad!" Killjoy looks around. "There!"

Mad turns to look but sees nothing. " Where?"

"You see the direction of the carpet fibres?"

"Sure."

"That's the last spot your father spent time in this room." Killjoy heads over to the spot and feels around the wall until she finds a hidden compartment there. The compartment is filled with paperwork and manila folders. "This looks promising. Here! These are the last files he handled; I can tell by the-"

"Skip the detective seminar and tell me what's in the file."

Killjoy rolls her eyes and starts going through the papers. "It all looks like information about some kind of high-end auction. Look, he highlighted one item. The Nail of Nefario."

"`What's the Nail of Nefario?" Mad asks,

"What the hell do I look like- Wikipedia? I don't know everything!"

"All right, keep your shirt on. Can you tell me what was so important about it?"

"It looks like your dad was trying to trace back the accounts of whoever won this Nail of Nefario at the auction, and yeah, here it is.. It was purchased using the accounts of Preston Publications..." Killjoy gets lost in thought when she says the company's name aloud.

"What? Is that bad?" Mad wonders.

"I don't know, but something seems familiar about that name."

Killjoy runs across the room and gets on Charles' computer. She does a web search for Preston Publications. and it quickly takes her to the company's website. She scrolls over the basic information about the company until she sees a button link for the CEO. She clicks on the link, and she is immediately taken to a window with a photo of Light Preston, the owner of the company. Killjoy's eyes widen the moment she sees the image.

Mad runs over and takes a look. "Hey, he's pretty handsome, " but she quickly becomes concerned when she sees the blank expression On her companion's face.

"Killjoy, you okay? Is this guy an old boyfriend or something?"

"Or something," Killjoy replies. "You know how I told you that Night Dwellers are not allowed out in the daytime? Meet the monster that stumbled upon a loophole that allows him to live in both. Light Preston is just a disguise. His real name is Loopin Shadows, and he was the first Slasher."

--------------------

Night-time looms over Obscure City. That familiar chill hangs in the air as the clouds turn grey, and the moon glows brighter as it dominates the night sky, with its only rival being the tallest building in the city, Preston Publications; a building so tall it blocks the moonlight and casts an ominous shadow over the streets below.

Inside the colossal edifice is the owner and CEO of this multibillion-dollar corporation, Light Preston. Blessed with wealth and handsome features, the all-powerful businessman stands in his lavish office draped in a twelve hundred-dollar, custom-made suit, and yet he looks displeased by his surroundings as he stares intently into an open vault door on the east wall of his office. The heavy iron door seems to have been cut into several pieces.

Most of the lights in the room are off, allowing Preston to hide his handsome features in shadow He is flanked by two strange creatures: Slashers, by definition. The first is Mason Leather, a giant, hulking man with stitches all over his arms and face. The other. Dollface, looks like a four foot-tall living doll, and while he can move his body, his face seems to be frozen in the same creepy expression.

Rip and Torn enter the room with a very apparent look of fear in their eyes.

"Let me see if I understand this correctly," Preston begins. First, my two deadliest assassins allowed The Swordsman to walk right into my office, cut open my vault and take the Nail of Nefario. I, however, opted to be lenient with you, even though he took the very instrument that will ensure this operation's success. After all, this is the Swordsman we're talking about: he has single-handedly slain Night Dwellers far bigger and more powerful than the two of you combined. But then, I gave you the simple task of kidnapping the Chan girl and bringing her to me." As he continues, he angrily rips off his face revealing it to be a mask. He throws the grotesque human disguise on the floor in front of the two sisters and reveals the hideous features of Loopin Shadows "

And somehow, someway,'' Shadows continues, "the two most feared killers in the underworld were thwarted by a Familiar and a Half-Breed who, at the time, had no powers due to being bound in iron!"

Rip and Torn cringe in fear.

Shadows goes from intense rage to eerie calm. "'Did I recount all the details correctly?"

"Yes -Master,"' they respond.

"Well, then." Shadows holds out his right hand; Mason nervously steps forward and slips a gauntlet with sharp fingertips over his hand.

Rip and Torn's fear is even more apparent now.

Shadows turns around, and while he might be shrouded in darkness, it is still apparent that the handsome Slasher. businessman is gone, and all that remains is the terrifying Slasher.

"Who wants to assume responsibility for this?" Shadows asks.

The sisters look at each other, but Rip quickly averts her eyes.

Torn takes a deep breath and steps forward. She draws her Sickle Blade and offers it to Shadows.

Shadows smiles. Pointed, shark-like teeth adorn the interior of his mouth. "Excellent, Torn," he says proudly "You know what to do."

Torn holds her blade up, ready to bring it down on her chest. Rip is visibly distraught by what she is witnessing. Suddenly, Torn turns and throws the blade right at Rip without warning. The metal projectile goes right into her throat. Rip holds the blade with both hands as blood shoots profusely out of her neck.

Torn casually walks over, knocks her hands out of the way, takes the blade, and decapitates her sister with one swift motion.

Rip's headless body hits the ground, creating a large pool of blood around it.

Torn puts Rip's head at Shadows' feet, as she bows to him,

"Atta girl. Mason...?" The ghastly behemoth steps forward., answering his master's call. "Did you find anything in the Chan girl's apartment?"

"No, master." The gargantuan man responds.

That figures,"' Shadows says in a disappointed tone. "Take Torn with you and bring the car around. We're due in court in an hour." The two henchmen nod and take their leave.

Shadows looks down at Rip's remains. "Oh - and Dollface? he says to his diminutive henchman. "'Make sure to tell the janitorial staff that they will need extra hands tonight, and don't forget to apologise for the mess."

Dollface nods and quickly leaves the room.

[pibbs]

The shadows projecting on the ceiling unfold the story visibly as Killjoy speaks.

Projected shadows on the wall unfold a story visibly, peeRod? You don't say. As opposed to what? Audibly? Fucking idiot.

Contrary to popular belief,

His overuse of these cliched phrases speaks volumes to his lack of creativity.

sometime between the seventh and fifteenth century, Merlin Ambrosius, the greatest sorcerer of them all

You know about demons before humans, but can't narrow down a 800 year time span for someone who's basically the Jesus of the wizard and witch world?

The shadows of significantly, menacing demons change into more familiar paranormal beings, such as vampires, werewolves, and zombies, on the ceiling.

Why these 3 monsters, peeRod? Out of thousands of monster examples, you picked three that are are all actually transformed humans. Fucking, peeBrain.

"Okay, I dig the epic Peter Jackson prologue,"

Fuck you, pee. Never reference Tolkien or anything Tolkien adjacent again.

"Mad, he wanted you to have a normal life without monsters.'" Killjoy explains.

How does she know that, exactly?

These are the last files he handled; I can tell by the-"

"Skip the detective seminar and tell me what's in the file

The turd was just too lazy to write another Sherlock montage.

"`What's the Nail of Nefario?" Mad asks,

"What the hell do I look like- Wikipedia? I don't know everything!"

You sure about that? So far, evidence suggests this bitch knows everything, even before she actually gets any new information like school records.

"All right, keep your shirt on

*sigh

the moon glows brighter as it dominates the night sky, with its only rival being the tallest building in the city, Preston Publications; a building so tall it blocks the moonlight and casts an ominous shadow over the streets below.

I don't even know what to say about this dumb sentence. I'm imagining a black, 200-story skyscraper standing in the middle of a medievalish looking village in England. I have to imagine this, BECAUSE THIS STUPID LAZY FUCKER HAS YET TO DESRCRIBE THIS CITY, OR GIVE A GEOLOGICAL LOCATION!

The other. Dollface, looks like a four foot-tall living doll, and while he can move his body, his face seems to be frozen in the same creepy expression.

Such a clunky way to describe this. Yo, Rod, how about, "Dollface, a 4 foot-tall living doll, with a frozen creepy expression..." That's all you need. We'll assume it can move, because you said LIVING, YOU DIPSHIT!

Shadows smiles. Pointed shark-like teeth adorn the interior of his mouth.

He has such a weird way of describing things. "Shadows smiles, revealing sharp, shark-like teeth." That's all you need.

The only thing I'm enjoying about this book is ripping this shit to pieces.

[VoiceOfReasonPast]

The shadows projecting on the ceiling unfold the story visibly as Killjoy speaks.

Again with the adverbs. Though good to know that the shadows aren't putting on an oratory performance.

Contrary to popular belief, this ... realm is a lot older than we know

Does she think it's still the Middle Ages where people thought the world was at most 5-thousand-ish years old? You could cut out this whole first sentence and the rest would be a lot less weird.

And then, sometime between the seventh and fifteenth century

Can't you be more specific? This time frame is pretty big and overlaps with when you were around. You'd probably know if this happened between the 13th and 15th century.
And you're telling me that we've been ruled over by demons at least 600 years before? Did nobody tell the Romans, or every other historian who lived during the Age of Demons (tm)?

Killjoy holds up the emblem with the code of arms. "For as long as there has been The Swordsman, there has been The Squire, a pure-hearted faithful companion who stands by humanity's champion, no matter what.

So what exactly does he do? Why is he necessary, and why is there only ever one?
Why isn't he the Swordsman's apprentice, trained to become the next Swordsman? That would make a lot more sense for a squire.

The good news is that we now have a lead, If we find The Swordsman, we find your dad

How do you know that? What if whatever happened to him prevented him from fulfilling his sidekick duties? And why do you think that the other guy is easier to find?

"Okay, fine. We'1l kill humanity's only hope against the forces of evil." Killjoy responds, sarcastically. "But we have to find him first."

You know, I gotta wonder: Wouldn't being the "only hope against the forces of evil" just set up The Swordsman to become a tyrant? He has absolute power in a "Prevent everyone from getting murderfucked by demons" kind of way.

"This looks promising. Here! These are the last files he handled; I can tell by the-"

"Skip the detective seminar and tell me what's in the file."

Well, that's certainly one way to avoid having to write investigative shit in your investigative story. Though I don't think it is much better than the "I'm just gonna state shit without explaining shit" gimmick this book has pulled so far.

"`What's the Nail of Nefario?" Mad asks,

"What the hell do I look like- Wikipedia? I don't know everything!"

I see the passive-aggressive bitch is still a passive-aggressive bitch.

Preston Publications

Hey look, it's the shapeshifting Gremlin mobster ERod has spoilered on twitter.

"You know how I told you that Night Dwellers are not allowed out in the daytime? Meet the monster that stumbled upon a loophole that allows him to live in both. Light Preston is just a disguise. His real name is Loopin Shadows, and he was the first Slasher."

Well, good to know that the twitter spoiler didn't ruin the reading experience.
And you sure he's special with that disguise? Werewolves famously have a human form, and those Lupakin earlier were also shapeshifters and I think their attempted kidnapping happened during the day? Did you even mention the time of day during that series of events?

a building so tall it blocks the moonlight and casts an ominous shadow over the streets below

Welcome to a 21th century city.

the all-powerful businessman stands in his lavish office draped in a twelve hundred-dollar, custom-made suit

You tellin' me that a billionaire dares to be seen with a 1.200 dollar suit? Fucking Trump wears suits from Brioni which easily cost over 5 times as much. They even have models over 10k, because rich people are weird like that.
This Gremlin fucker is likely not wearing anything below twelve thousand.

The other. Dollface, looks like a four foot-tall living doll, and while he can move his body, his face seems to be frozen in the same creepy expression.

Now ERod's not gonna tell us what exactly this expression looks like, but rest assured that it's creepy.

"Let me see if I understand this correctly," Preston begins

"Let me give an exposition dump for our dear readers."

This guy is way nicer than Killjoy. I like him.

And somehow, someway,'' Shadows continues, "the two most feared killers in the underworld were thwarted by a Familiar and a Half-Breed who, at the time, had no powers due to being bound in iron!"

It's good to know Killjoy has nothing to fear from the rest of the underworld then, if this is the best it can muster.
Also a bit late to paint these two stooges as badass assassins. Not buying it.

Such a clunky way to describe this. Yo, Rod, how about, "Dollface, a 4 foot-tall living doll, with a frozen creepy expression..." That's all you need. We'll assume it can move, because you said LIVING, YOU DIPSHIT!

If you want something more eloquent I would go for "a 4 foot-tall living doll, it's expression frozen in a disturbing mockery of a human face" or something.

He has such a weird way of describing things. "Shadows smiles, revealing sharp, shark-like teeth." That's all you need.

I bet he's making use of a Thesaurus like every bad fantasy author.

And this is starting to look like an episode of a bad cartoon, especially with that villain introduction.

EDIT: *record scratch* Hang on a bloody second.

As he continues, he angrily rips off his face revealing it to be a mask

The genius loophole abuse that lets him cheat the Law of the Swordsman (tm) is just him being Fantômas? That doesn't sound very impressive when every monster introduced so far can perfectly shapeshift into a human.
I'm getting the distinct impression this whole backstory wasn't thought out all that well.