Holy fucking shit, I browsed older tweets for this Killjoy account, and I was not prepared for the horror I found:
Killjoy is Lupa!!!1OneEleven (or at least sounds like her)
Moving on, my summarized opinion on this whole ordeal of a book:
In a town filled with ghouls and monsters, there is no more terrifying a location than Preston Penitentiary; a Supermax facility meant to contain the most depraved and unforgivable members of human society.
Is suggesting that prison inmates
deserve to be locked up even considered halal in Current Year? I thought US prisons are just an excuse by the government to lock up all the black people they
didn't feel like executing on the spot.
Anyhow, Shadows plans to turn the inmates into monsters because of how
eeeevil they are.
Also he literally owns the place, which might've also been part of the decision-making process.
Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Preston Penitentiary Purchased fifty years ago by Yours Truly for just this occasion.
You know, if this guy gets any more cliche he'll offer Killjoy to rule the
galaxy world together.
Then he drags them "into a small room", which I guess means a
cell.
Minerva follows them in. "Ladies, I hope you find your current accommodation to your liking."
"What?" Killjoy barks. "'I specifically asked for two twin beds and a beach-side view. I'm going to give you such a bad Yelp review!"
You can tell the situation is dire because of how serious our heroes treat the situation.
So Killjoy gets some iron shackles to stop any magic tricks.
The manacles appear to be enchanted as they snap open, and iron tendrils hold Killjoy's arms against her body and then close an iron ring around her neck
Yeah, I guess you
could call that enchanted. Not sure
why seeing how normal iron shackles did the trick earlier.
Also
how do you enchant iron if iron stops magic from working?
The stupid cat is also bondaged up (which apparently prevents teleporting), and Maddy... I guess she just
stands around? It doesn't say if they've done anything to her.
For some reason Minerva also tells them that it is T-minus 11 minutes until the book starts re-enacting the finale of the first X-Men movie.
"Huh, she told us exactly how much time before the ritual begins. Interesting," Killjoy muses.
You know, I would give ERod some props if he copied Watchmen a little, and the whole ritual will actually finish in
5 minutes.
Our brave heroes stay cool and level-headed, of course.
"Mad - you okay over there?"
"Yeah, I'm great. My dad was killed by a psychotic Freddy Kruger wannabe, the world's about to end, and I'm in jail."
"It could be worse."
"How? How could it possibly be worse?"
"They could be releasing another Fast and Furious movie."
And why "Freddy Kruger" wannabe? The gauntlet doesn't really have claws per se, and he's just wearing a hat because everyone's rocking 40's noir outfits. Why not call him the Phantom of the Opera? He has a mask covering half of his face.
Then suddenly Killjoy gets serious and does some inane ramblings about how Maddy is
destined to be The Swordsman. Heck, she effectively
is The Swordsman. Somehow. And that's why her dad didn't want her to find out about the supernatural. Okay.
"The daughter of two of the greatest warriors of our time: The Swordsman and his Squire. It's in your blood."
Also apparently this Swordsman stuff is hereditary now. Because.
Honestly you could leave out this whole dialogue, and things would be a lot less dumb and confusing.
Also for some reasons the bad guys decided to dump the swords a few feet away from the cell, so they don't have to look for long after Maddy uses the time rewinder thingie to free Killjoy. How convenient.
The cell door gets blown open with a green plasma bolt.
Does anyone else find it odd that Killjoy conjures sci-fi projectiles? Wizards don't really do much "plasma". They throw fireballs, lightning, or generic energy.
Killjoy and Mad heroically emerge from the smoke.
And for some reason Killjoy leaves Maddy alone to get past the Frankenstein-looking fellow and grab the sword? Couldn't she spare the 2 seconds it would take her to plasma the fuck out of the guy?
Luckily her dad's ghost is talking in her head to ensure her that she is now properly girlbossed into being a strong and invincible Swordsman. Even though she has never actually touched the sword?
Also I thought the Swordsman
needs the sword before he can even
begin to kick ass?
Mad is overtaken by confidence and addresses Mason directly. "Hey ugly!"
Mason notices her, and he is not pleased. "Hey! How you get out of your cell?"
He's only
now noticing the escape? Earlier he and the sword were described to be "just a few feet" away
and within sight. How can he neither see nor hear the cell door getting blown up?
Then after all the build-up she just dodge-rolls past him, grabs the sword, and
then she becomes the Swordman. What a strange series of events.
And naturally she's too cool to just strike the monster down. She has to do some weird trap move instead.
Suddenly, Mad throws the Blade straight up into the air and takes one step back.
Mason is confused by her unorthodox move and comes to to a a screeching halt right in front of her. Before he can question why she threw away her weapon, the sword comes back down on top of his head, impaling itself through the top of his skull.
What is this, her super move for an Injustice appearance?
Then the remaining Lupakin appears. And as it turns out, the badass assassin who got clowned on by a cat turns out to be no match for The Swordsman.
Meanwhile (
precisely at the same time, in fact; not sure why he had to specify this) Killjoy and the cat arrive at the security room to check up on the monitors I guess.
"Watch the door. Hime,' the Witch instructs "If anyone who's not one of your persons comes along, teleport them to the boiler room."
Since when can the cat
teleport others?
Turns out Shadows is holding a speech for the inmates for some reason, and Killjoy magicks up the monitor to record him in his human form? I guess she wants "evidence" to tear down his capitalist empire? There's a pretty good chance he'll get killed anyways, so I'm not entirely sure how important this is.
Then she flies to the rooftop and orders an Elizabethan Gargoyle to call the cops. Okay.
Everyone arrives in the ritual room, but sadly Shadows finishes his cliche speech earlier than expected and transforms the inmates anyways. Minerva tries to plasma Maddy, but she uses her shiny new blade to deflect the blast and redirect it towards Shadows. I
knew this was a ripoff of the Master Sword.
Shadows looks down just in time to see the plasma bolt make contact his explosive gauntlet. His smile fades.
Boom!
I bet this would look
so cool in movie form
Somehow this stops/reverts the transformations. Convenient.
Killjoy and Minerva finally star their epic duel, and Shadows is fine? Dude just lost an arm, which regrows. Okay.
Wait, if he has regeneration, why does he have a Phantom of the Opera mask?
Then Maddy gives him a warning shot with her Master Sword in the dumbest way possible:
He turns to see Mad holding the Heavenly Blade like a rifle.
What is it with people in this book using
everything like a gun? Just use a fucking sword beam slash. Every animu does it.
For
some reason Shadows doesn't feel scared by the biggest monster killer in the entire world. And to make it even dumber the cat starts using her teleport tricks to troll him.
He ends up slapsticking into some convenient control panel that opens all the cells.
All the metal doors swing open, and his newly created army begins to emerge.
"Newly created"? Didn't you
just say that the "effects of the Nail of Nefario cease" when Shadows' arm exploded? Oh, you meant it just stopped transforming people. But all the inmates already were, so who cares?
Luckily for our brave heroes the cat apparently yanked the nail out of Shadows' chest without him noticing, and apparently without the nail his newly-created monster army of
two dozen monsters decide to curbstomp him.
Mad slips the Nail of Nefario into her pocket and turns to check on Killjoy. She sees the witch detective fighting her arch-nemesis and quickly gaining the upper hand.
Will you
ever explain
why she is her arch-nemesis? I have no idea what her deal is, and her character is less developed than the fucking cat.
If you're expecting any kind of existing witch fight you're in for a disappointment. Killjoy just throws her watch at her, which causes her to plummet right in front of Maddy, who conveniently had those iron shackles ready. I can barely contain my excitement.
But oh noes, Shadows is
still not dead. He has killed all the newly created monsters, and is pretty pissed about it.
"You want our blood? Then come and get it, douche bag!" Mad invites.
Killjoy is impressed by her bravado. "'Damn, Mad badass!"
"Thank you."
Shadows thinks attacking The Swordsman and an overpowered with with a foldable axe is a good idea. I wonder how this will go.
And it turns out the guy who can apparently regenerate from anything wasn't hiding some kind of messed-up wound/scar with his mask. It's just that this part is always stuck in human form.
"Now that's a twist M. Night Shyamalan wouldn't see coming!" Killjoy quips.
Shadows actually does pretty well in the fight, kicking Killjoy away and disarming Maddy - who then decides to
stab herself with the Nail to start some purple lightning bolt fireworks. I'm not entirely sure what the bolt does in this constellation, but Killjoy's freaked out so it can't be good.
Luckily the cat just teleports itself and Killjoy out of harm's way. I don't even want to think where
this teleport trick might've come in handy earlier.
Meanwhile, back in the main detention centre, all the dead slashers revert to their human form under the effects of the Nail.
Ah, so stabbing yourself with the Nail turns everyone into your species. Does this preserve your original melanin levels, or are some of the former black inmates now white
?
Shadows is now apparently permanently stuck in human form and begs for the sweet release of death. But Maddy doesn't want to avenge her dead dad, because:
I said I would kill Loopin Shadows, and I did. He's gone. I have no beef with Light Preston.He's just a rich douche bag that now has to live with the indignity of being human, Not to mention the humiliation of getting knocked out by a ninety-pound girl."
You
do realize that's the same guy, right?
And that last part refers to her punching him in the face immediately afterwards. So stunning. So brave.
Mad shakes her hand, feeling the consequences "Ouch! Punching hurts!"
Women
Minvera gets away scot-free, which confuses her just as much as it does me.
'You`re letting me go?" the Grand Witch questions.
"We promise not to breathe a word of your involvement to the Holy Alliance," Killjoy negotiates, *as long as you swear not to align yourself with more extremists."
"We won't tell anyone that you tried to kill all humans if you
promise to not try that
again!"
I'm sure this will work out just fine.
And I
still have no idea why she's Killjoy's arch-nemesis.
Shadows threatens to sue them when the cops arrive. Turns out the magically-hacked camera has recorded his little self-defense killing spree with everyone in human form.
"'Good morning, Mr. Preston. We received a rather disturbing anonymous tip claiming that you broke into this prison in the middle of the night and started slaughtering the inmates with an axe."
I'm not entirely sure why she'd
know the inmates would turn on him and he'd have to kill them.
Or how she
knew he carried an axe with him.
And did the footage also show the teleporting cat and the chick with the sword, or did was the camera tinkered with to just ignore them?
I better not think about it too hard.
"I was helping Mad look into the disappearance of her father. When I found evidence that Mr Preston might be involved, I followed him here and stumbled onto this horror show."
You better magic up some evidence, 'cause the murder weapon has been blown up and the victim never left a body.
And then the chapter just
ends. Yay~
So yeah, it's
mostly how I predicted it, but still underwhelming. The final boss battle had too much comic relief, and the evil witch never actually amounted to anything and you could easily cut her out. I guess he gets
some points for Shadows ironic punishment?
Also didn't Shadows have an evil Chucky doll minion? Where was
he?
pibbs wrote: ↑Sun Feb 25, 2024 11:19 pm
Anyway. As predicted (by one of us, forget who
It was me,
Dio Voice!
BTW His usual responses to these are "small peepee man." Just saw him in a tweet the other day defending "The Marvels" and he said this exact phrase.
It's his version of MovieBlob's "not a person". Apparently it's a thing for autistic manchildren to invent their own catchphrase insult, as a sort of magical incantation to drive away the evil troll spirits.
Autism attracts more autism. Sooner or later, an internet nobody will attract the exact kind of fans - and detractors - he deserves.
-Yours Truly
4 wikia: static -> vignette